Taking the High Road

Herm I dont know what I have in mind right now. I guess being graduated and jobless for quite some months do not really work best on people like me. With having a complicated boyfriend, I think these are not a good combination for those overthinking and over worrying woman like me.

Well, maybe I havent been in love for quite some time. Or maybe I havent been in a real relationship for quite long that I have forgotten the reality of being in love or in fact, committing yourself to one particular person.

They say, in life you will fall in love three times. Well, to what I have been feeling, maybe Erwin is the third person I fell in love with. But I dont know. Things between us seems to be really on rough patch right now. I may be quite naive to think being jobless and having a boyfriend at the same time would actually help the duration of being jobless. But no, since being jobless make you feel like depending so much on the other person, that you almost forgot the other person is not jobless. All conversations become bitter,shorter, and any mistakes occur seems to be pestering each of us. To the extent that I even reevaluate the decision to stay in this relationship. He said I overthink too much,and like to create drama that is not even there in the first place. I asked him whether he still loves me, or still wants me. And if we are still on the same page. All of those he said yes. I mean, Im a woman who havent been in any serious relationship for the past 4 years. And Im trying to adapt myself with this. Of course my insecurities will be all over the place.

Its just I become quite sensitive nowadays. I dont know. Maybe because he started to show his true colour. His temper when he's annoyed with me. His curse words when he's angry towards me. Our disagreement to almost everything. To be honest, Im totally scared with him. Cant really imagine the world after marriage with him. He changed 360 after I become his girlfriend. So I guess there's possibility that he'll become worse after married.

On the other side, sometimes I do think that I am being quite drama-queen. Over react to almost everything. The thing is, he even get mad when I asked for attention. Well, I guess I learned the hard way that people can promise you a world today, and then get mad at you for asking it the next day,right? What else to say, people change,even if not by choice. Because we have so much factors that could influence us.

Im a firm believer that people change. And people dont change by choice. Its what surround us that make us change. I dont really know what to do with my love life now. I guess we can talk about it. But I think we have enough talk about it,since everytime I bring up the issues, he wouldnt think there's an issue to begin with. So what else can I say?

So,for the time being, I think I dont need to force him to do anything. I will just treat him the way I think I could. Im taking the high road. Maybe treat him nicely. And there's nothing wrong about giving it all the best shots I have this time,so that one day, if I ever decide to leave, I will leave with no regrets knowing that I went all the extra miles possible to make this work. And in a relationship,it works two ways. If Im working alone, then maybe Im not the woman he's looking for. He can treat me like shit all he wants. I have nothing to lose.

I guess thats all for today. I have so much thoughts lingering on my mind that I think bothering people with them, is not the best choice. So dear blog, I hope you are there to display all inner thought I have in mind because for people like me, writing is one of the best way to express whatever silly thoughts I have in mind.

Till then. I hope I can get back on track as soon as possible. I wanna work. Please.
Ya Allah. :'(

Major comeback

So, its 2016 already.

My previous post was like 2 years ago. Like what???!!
Believe it or not, I'm in my final year degree phase. Will be completing the studies within just 6 months. And will have the real-life phase of working as a real-life teacher. Ya rabbi!!

Ok. Nothing much to update. Everything with life seems to be going very well. I mean nothing to be ungrateful for. Considering such a sinner I am, I should have nothing to complain about the life I'm having.

Academic's life pretty well. Yeah,practicum and so on.

Love life? Erm erm. Lets pause it there.
Its been two years since I last wrote here. And I am proudly to say here, am still single. BHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ok laugh all you want.
But tell you what, being single on my final year is so so not exciting.
I tell you why.

My ex is already engaged, my classmates are already married, the number of my batchmates who getting married are increasing day by day, my juniors are already married, and I am here writing here about how pathetic my single life is.

No,its not that I want to be married to by now. Its just that you know, I cant really deny the fact that I am quite affected with the environment, As if the environment is provoking you or even worse, it feels like people are mocking you when you attend your friend's wedding and you get questions like "Kau bila lagi?" Pfttt..just dont ask me that kind of question. Aku calon pun takdak lagi. Kalau calon dah ada aku boleh lah gelak2 nampak gusi gedik2 macam kerang busuk cakap tanya lah boypren aku. the thing is now, I have no one to use that sentence for. Worse come to worse, I just cant stand bila orang cakap, "Bukak lah hati kau. Tipulah takde orang datang approach kau. Muka macam ni takkan takde orang datang approach." Dan ayat2 ini kebanyakan masa dituturkan oleh kawan2 lelaki aku. Aku smirk 10 juta kali kat korang boleh?

Well, you know what guys. We dont fall in love just by looks. Nak kata sebab rupa, dah tu, kau nak kata orang2 yang ada rupa je layak kahwin? Habis tu, orang2 yang tak berapa nak dikategorikan cantik handsome semua tu kau nak kata tak hairan la takde orang lagi? What is thisssS???!!


Come on,grow up. The thing is with all this marriage thing, selagi Tuhan kata belum, it will never be. Nak kata aku tak usaha, I think I did almost everything. I did go out,make friends with new people, even strangers, get to know new people,in fact, i did give some chance to people who confessed they like me. I did not shut my door like seal it. Cuma orang kata, "the one" tu tak datang lagi. Aku try kenal orang, bagi chance dekat orang yang suka aku, but it just didnt work. The spark tu tak muncul lagi. You will know he is the one when you feel it. Masalahnya aku tak datang lagi feel tu with anyone involve with my life now. Semua dekat level sama je.

Bukan nak kata aku nak bertunang ke apa by now, I just wanna have someone. So that, aku boleh hentikan gosip2 liar yang tuduh aku dengan orang ni, orang tu. Pantang tengok aku rapat dengan certain2 orang, Mulalah laju je orang nak gosipkan. Im just tired of being scandle-d with anyone yang bukan special someone aku pun. Not even close pun. Boypren orang la, super junior la, I just dont want to hear those thing. Just because I am an outgoing person so senang2 jela nak skandal kan aku dgn sesiapa yang aku rapat? Rimas woi rimas!!

Sebab tu lah aku berdoa sangat kat Tuhan and I really wish to have special someone by now, so that bila kena skandal ke apa, I could use him as my shield. Orang tak kacau dah orang punya. Kalau kena gosip pun, paling2 best aku boleh cakap ayat macam ni, "Eh,aku kawan je dgn dia. Nanti marah buah hati aku". Gitewww. Kah!

Ah pokoknya aku nak that day to finally come. Tu je. Tapi takpelah. All it takes is just some patience. Tuhan nak ajar aku suruh sabar. Setiap orang jalan cerita lain lain. Jangan jadi tak bersyukur sangat. hehehe

Oklah. Aku ada banyak lagi nak release tension sebenarnya. Tapi japgi ah. Utk post ni,sampai sini je dulu. Kata comeback. AKu nak layan friends dulu.

Nanti aku tension sangat aku update balik. Haaa..yang tu nanti topik dia lain pulak. Kihkih!

Ok gerak lu pape roger. Assalamualaikum goodnight, bakal jodoh. Jangan buas sangat. Nanti ada rezeki kita jumpa. hehehe

Self-discovery.

2014 is currently approaching its end. And obviously it has been a great year for me.

Well, truth be told, because I faced many phases of self-discovery on this year.
Started off with a broken heart that was broken until the very last pieces that possible, I was totally lost and unable to manage my emotion , which in a very deep regret I'd say,  effects my actions.

I let people looked down on me. I let people judge how broken I was. I let people take advantage on my weakness. And most importantly, I let myself become an open book. *sigh*

After a while, I started to come to my senses. I shifted into the "screw everything, I'm gonna make myself useful and better" mode.

I began to say to myself, "Why not try this? I ain't lose anything" to almost everything.

Thats how I began to meet different people, encounter different life, mingle with my unusual society, involved with things that I'd most probably say no if I were not to be that broken. I find myself was eager to find as many as possible activities to occupy the mind from being too distracted.

And that's how I created my life this year, honestly, I feel better now. A lot better than I was a year ago.

That was also how I became

a 4x400 athlete
a rugby player
an active volunteer facilitator
a sports addict
a weight conscious
a runner up for public speaking competition
a part of the forum bahasa melayu team peringkat kebangsaan


I was trying to start over the whole thing, in the effort of creating the better version of myself. I've tried to fix all the things that I can, and adapt to those that I can't , because somehow that's called living. Changes can be a real struggle, I'd say. We fall, we break, we get up and move on. No one is broken for good unless they let themselves to be. So, I surrounded myself with good people, in fact people that is out of my ordinary. I learned to see things differently, from different point of view, and create my own perspective, in a better way, of course. I no longer pay more attention to those who treated me like a trash, but instead I treated them the way they treat me. A win-win situation I guess. I was also coated with the true answer I've been searching all this while from the only person I've ever asked the particular question. It was heartbreaking at first, but then I managed.
That is where the adapting part occurs.

And most importantly, I want people to remember me with good memories.


So 2014, my second year of degree, it was a hectic one year full with everything. Self-discovery phase that comes in many stages.

Alhamdulillah, I couldn't thank Allah more for all His blessings. I am a better person now,physically,mentally,emotionally and virtually and will continuously to be better from day to day.


All in all, goodbye to 2014 in a few days.
Thanks for all the good memories. I'm glad I did make the best out of everything.

p/s : Currently in the nervous mood of waiting the result. InshaAllah kita dapat apa yang kita usahakan. Keep calm and have faith. 

The 2014 Hari Raya.

Assalamualaikum and a very good day everyone.

Wow, ages huh since I've last updated anything in this blog of mine? Maybe due to the busy schedule but apart from that,yeah, I shall admit, I am just too lazy and enjoy my leisure moment of doing nothing even if I have some free time. HEHEHEHEHEHE.

So well. Before that, how are you guys doing?
Me? From the bottom of my purest heart, I am feeling very good and happy with my current life now. Yes, I am that happy with my life now which the only thing could make me worry is my mother's health and my studies. Both are my priorities for now.
I am way past the mourning and torturing phase of myself. Alhamdulillah alhamdulillah alhamdulillah.
Don't get me wrong. It has nothing to do whether I've already found the love of my life or not. (Still single and still looking for the right one though. HEHEHEHE.) It is about how well I am able to manage my life now, be it emotionally and physically. Tepuk tangan sket..

So, this year's Hari Raya is a bit different from all previous ones. First,because this year we are celebrating Hari Raya with my mother just got discharged from a long treatment in the hospital due to her disease, "Aplastic anaemia". So, we were less prepared for anything regarding raya. Baju raya pun recycle last year je. Lapik meja langsir raya carpet raya semua recycle mana ada. Mak is just starting to get better from her last condition which appeared to be very heart-wrenching to me. So, this year, having Mak together with us to celebrate raya,to be able to salam salam bermaaf maafan is more than enough even though the follow-up treatment is still needed. Walaupun semangat raya mak macam hambar sikit, takpe. Kitorang ada untuk menaikkan semangat mak. :')

This year raya also I didn't really receive many raya wishes from friends. Well, maybe as time passed by, people drift apart from each other,perhaps? And to be honest, there are some people who I've been waiting for their raya wishes but only some meet the wait. Tiba2 banyak orang2 yang tak disangka pulak wish selamat hari raya ikut text message. Raya wishes through text messages are very very much appreciated. Because the way I see it, those people who took the effort of texting you and spending their credit just to wish you selamat hari raya despite of all the free apps we have nowadays(whatsapp,wechat etc etc) are those people who understand the value of sincerity in their wish. Wow, I sound so sentimental. Kahkahkah! But yeah, I am speaking the truth.

For now, I dont even know where does this spirit of mine came from, but this time around, I won't. I won't tolerate with anyone(well,this applies only to some) who doesn't even took the effort of remembering me eventhough we are close. Which means here, I won't initiate any conversation or initiate the raya wish. I will be just waiting. Kalau tiada wish dari kamu,maka tiada jugalah wish dari saya. Simple. You know where to look for me in case I suddenly popped up on your mind. I'm fed up of leaving up space for people who don't even remember me. I just had enough with dramas in my life and I dont want any of it anymore. Am not expecting anything and am not attaching myself to anything or anyone. And somehow, I am feeling good with this new style and adapting with it very well. Still alive and awesome. The way of appreciating yourself better I guess. hehehehehe

Will be going back to kelantan this saturday. Tak syok betul. Baru nak masuk mood raya dengan kawan kawan kat selangor semua baru nak buat openhouse dah kena start assignment. So it looks like I will miss the part of having reunion with schoolmates and old friends since semua orang pun kat kampung lagi and by the time I'll be going back to kelantan baru semua orang balik rumah nak jalan jumpa kawan kawan pulak. Herm.. takpelah. Redho. Nok buek cemanoo

Till then. Doakan aku baik baik sahaja di sini seperti sekarang ini, malah lebih baik untuk masa akan datang. Doakan Tuhan permudahkan urusan dan niat aku untuk jadi muslimah yang lebih baik walaupun tidak sedrastik mana perubahan aku tapi doakan biar kayuhan aku ni perlahan lahan tapi istiqomah dan semakin baik. Itu saja. Aku nak jadi anak yang menyenangkan mak ayah di akhirat.

Oh, and by the way, aku akan dapat anak buah kedua dalam bulan Mac tahun depan. Good news huh?  Tak sabar! Makin senteng la rambut aku nak jaga budak budak kecik ni bila cuti nanti. HEHEHE


Doakan aku berjaya menamatkan pengajian dengan ijazah kelas pertama juga ye. Alhamdulillah setakat ni pointer pun baik baik sahaja. Masih dalam target. 3.75. Dan kalau boleh aku nak naikkan lagi, taknak turun. HEEEEE. Aminn..


Jaga diri,jaga iman,jaga hati.
Ingat Allah ada di mana mana. :)

Que Sera Sera

"Its easier to run but its more painful.

Face the pain, live with it, bounce back and move on"

Sangat terkesan dengan ayat ni. Thank you brader. You just made something remarkable to someone. :')
I used to run away for miles, run like there's no other exit but it just complicates my journey.

There are times when you have to accept things the way they are in order not to feel hurt.
Accepting means you understand and know things are not the way you wish it should be.

Because you know, pain is inevitable but suffering is optional.
And by that way, I understand too that my suffering has never been inevitable, it happens by choice,my choice to be precise.

So now, I've decided to let my heart open and accept everything. Be kind,be nice and do not go against anything that is fated for me. It hurts more.

I never know on your side what actually happened, I just hope you are doing good though. :')

P/s : Rasa mcm blog ni my mistress. Bila bosan, sedih baru cari dia. heheeh. Sorry though. Nanti dah stabil baru cari awok bebetul eh. Sayang awak sampai bila bila. :D

Long Old Talk

I've been  restraining myself from thinking or talking about you ever since like that day.
"Benda dah lama. Takkan tak habis lagi? Sampai bila nak ingat balik benda lama?" they said. I know and well aware of the fact. But to me, its like everything just happened yesterday.
Im trying to let the chips fall where they may or letting things going according to its own flow.

But everyday I encounter many incidences that remind me of us.
I keep myself busy with things to do. I join everything. I get involve with almost everything within my range. Not because I wanted to be busy. Not because I enjoy being tired. Its the underlying meaning you will never understand.

Because I'm trying to let go of what I can't change.

I abandon people who hurt me, I abandon things that can make me weak.

Encountering you in my daily life aint easy. But I should never get weakened by this.

So here I am now.

I kneel down every day, praying and wishing. Really wish.


I've lost hope. Not on myself. But on us. You have abandoned this station since ages,man. And I should get going by now.

So my only hope now,one day, I will be able to look at you,smile and feel nothing.

I hope. I really do,Ya Allah.

Gua nak bawak diri

Jadinya apa yang kau patut buat bila kau rasa marah yang tak lepas?

Simpan? Nyahahaha. Of course. Simpan. Memang boleh.
Tapi untuk orang macam aku, simpan tu boleh. Aku boleh simpan dengan cara diamkan diri.

But I honestly dont like that kind of silence. Rasa nak mengamuk tak lepas tapi tak boleh mengamuk.
Argh!

So ceritanya macam ni lah. You choose your happiness over me, so I should choose my happiness over you as well.

Senang cerita kan.

Dan macam ni lah gua nak kasi lu paham der, lu tak appreciate gua punya hormat kat lu, gua punya cuba nak paham situasi lu, gua beralah kot, beralah der. Gua try act cool, watlek watpeace dengan cerita cerita yang menusuk jantung lu, sedangkan lu tak tau betapa retak hati gua dengan cerita lu. Jadi gua rasa macam agak tak puas hati sikit kat situ bila lu tak buat satu effort pun nak tolong gua bila gua mintak tolong. Gua minta tolong as a friend-basis kot. Tapi lu still berat hati nak tolong. Nampak lah nilai gua di mata lu. Honestly lu antara sebab gua rasa nak pindah daripada kelantan ni. :(

Gua takleh der hidup dengan kawan yang takleh nak paham gua. At least tak paham pun,support cukup la. Tapi dua dua pun gua tak dapat dari lu der.
Gua letih der. Ingat gua suka ke hidup cenggini? Haisy. Lu nak cakap gua redundant? Ikut suka lu ah der. Tapi gua nak lu ingat satu benda, cukup cukup la cakap besar tu der. Lu cakap tak serupa bikin der. Gua macam ada rasa jengkel sikit la bila lu cakap orang lain itu ini tapi sebenarnya lu tak ada beza pun dengan orang orang yang lu cakap tu. Gua tau lu dengan gua tak banyak beza pun. Tapi sebab lu tengah masa masa puncak lu, jadi lu lupa kat gua yang kat bawah ni.

Lu cakap sedap je,sesedap rasa ewah lidah tak bertulang betul. Rasa nak cili mulut. Masa time lu,elok pulak lu melutut2 berjurai airmata cari orang. Siap dengan gua-gua sekali benci orang yang buat lu nangis sampai macam tu.


HAHAHAHAHAHAA. Takpe brader, gua paham bila kita dapat apa yang kita nak, kita memang susah nak fikir untuk bahagian orang lain.


Tapi kenapa kena lu tipu gua? Jangan hidup dalam denial der. Itu je pesan gua.

Gua kesal. Sangat kesal dengan lu,der. Tergamak lu meluahkan statement yang seolah olah lu tak pernah kenal gua sehari pun. Sob sob lah.


Takpe, untuk sementara ni, gua rasa okay je kot kalau gua nak merajuk dengan lu. Gua nak bawak diri.

Gua tak sanggup tengok muka lu der. Rasa macam kena baling tahi dengan member sendiri.

Lagi sakit woi daripada kena tinggal boypreng.


Gua kalau bab2 kawan ni gua sensitif lebih sikit. Sorry ah kalau lu tak boleh terima tapi memang kalau part part kawan makan kawan stuffs ni, gua memang rasa susah nak tolerate.

Lu orang yang lain takleh nak support gua takpelah. Gua boleh support diri sendiri.

Gua cuma nak bawak diri je sekarang ni. Serius bro.

Gua cuma nak pergi tempat baru yang gua boleh jumpa orang baru dan tak ada langsung kebarangkalian nak jumpa muka muka basi ni.

Gua naik muak. Gua nak rehatkan otak kejap. Sebab mungkin bila nampak lu gua rasa semak sikit kot otak. Sorry brader, gua bukan tak pernah try slow talk dengan lu.

Tapi, nampak macam lu pentingkan kebahagiaan lu, jadi gua pun dah decide sebulat bulatnya dah ni.

"Anything that harms me, I should abandon, even if it means deleting some people in my life"

Dalam kes ni, kalau terpaksa, dengan lu sekali gua kena delete brader.

Lu kecewakan gua di lubuk hati terdalam der.

Maf kartihe. sob sob sob  :'(

Sampai satu hari

"Aku sedih sebab aku terlampau ambil berat dan sayang . Sampai satu masa aku happy tu maksudnya aku dah tak ambil kisah ."


And I'm currently gladly waiting for that one day.

Fix You.

Aku selalu kurang faham bila orang kata macam ni,

"Setiap orang yang Tuhan datangkan dalam hidup kita ni bersebab."

Dan mungkin sebab aku belum cukup mendalami apa apa sahaja maksud tersirat yang cuba disampaikan melalui ayat tu.

Tapi sekarang, selepas apa yang jadi pada aku, well, I should have said quite a big impact on my life,
aku sedar apa itu maksud kehadiran setiap orang itu membawa makna.

Macam sekarang, aku sudah berada di puncak atau di penghujung buku aku yang lepas. Buku yang sepatutnya dah lama aku tinggalkan jauh jauh dulu. Buku yang terlalu banyak bawa sakit dalam manis untuk aku. Iya, kerana manis yang sedikit itu aku sanggup sakit. Sebab tu aku masih sanggup pegang buku tu. Aku tau. Jangan sebut betapa bodohnya aku. Ah, itu semua fasa yang aku,kau dan semua manusia bumi wajib lalui.

Tapi sekarang, aku rasa aku sudah berada di satu sudut yang aku sendiri tak pasti, cuma aku tau apa yang aku rasa berada di sudut ini.

Rasa tenang.
Rasa lapang.
Rasa bahagia.
Rasa ada satu beban terangkat.

Walaupun mungkin, kadang kala tanpa sedar, ada terselit juga sedikit curiosity tu.

Mungkin sebab sesiapa sahaja yang berada dalam hidup aku sekarang, aku sangat yakin dan percaya, Tuhan hantarkan dia,dia dan dia pada aku,betul betul selepas apa yang jadi, untuk bantu aku baiki diri aku. Untuk sama-sama sedarkan aku,ini bukan caranya. Ini bukan jalannya. Mungkin juga untuk bantu aku sedar ada jalan lain yang lagi baik untuk aku. Mungkin juga untuk bawa aku travel ke satu dimensi yang bukan halusinasi. Jadi realistik orang kata. Mungkin juga untuk alihkan gundah gulana aku yang asalnya pada perkara yang bukan dalam kawalan aku. Mungkin juga all in all, untuk bantu aku rasa ringan dengan semua beban ni.

Maybe, just maybe, there are certain people who came into your life just to help you fix yourself. Yes, that's how I simplify it.

Hadapkan muka tu pada realiti,lantaklah sakit macam kena seterika muka pun, jgn seronok hidup dengan angan tak pasti. Lesson learnt. Noted.

Terima kasih juga kepada kamu,wahai sang manusia kerana biarkan dua tahun saya berlalu dengan penuh pengajaran.


And maybe because, I worry too much on things that beyond my control and power that I ruined my happiness. Maybe it's okay not to know the answer, as it will come when I least expect it. Yeah, maybe. So for now,bon voyage to sadness. I don't want to live there,anymore.


P/s : Dua kali dan masih berlaku benda yang sama. I think I've given it enough attempts.

Bangun oi Bangun

Aku ini orangnya deep. Sangat deep.

Kalau rasa tiada mahu terlibat dengan ke"deep"an aku, tiada masalah. Aku faham.

Kau faham rasa dia bila rasa nak menangis yang sudah ditahan sangat lama tapi tak dapat nak tumpah?

Rasa tak lepas tu.

Aku. Tak. Suka.

Dan aku bukan jenis orang yang menangis kerap pun. Dan aku tak mudah nak nangis pun.

Orang kata, orang yang susah nak menangis ni,sebenarnya hati dia lemah.

Boleh jadi. Ada logik juga.

Tak sabar nak habis exam sebenarnya. Lagi dua paper major aku.
Major woi major.

Phonetics n Phonology
English Language Teaching Methodology

Killer paper killer paper.

Kalau tak study memang terkangkang aku nak jawab.


Sekarang. Fokus. Exam. Gila!


Nak mampus ke tak boleh jawab nanti?


Pfftt..

Easier than done

Mempunyai self-battle dalam keadaan emotionally unstable pada musim exam sumpah tak best bro wa cakap lu.

Tak best. Tak best. 

But what else can you do when it is the only moment you need to deal with all those-long-old crap?

Lebih setahun setengah.

Dan akhirnya Tuhan temukan aku dengan satu jawapan dan penjelesan yang dah lama aku cari.

Satu penjelasan yang aku boleh kata, menggantung nafas aku selama setahun setengah ni. *amboi sangat*

Jujur.

Selepas diberi penjelasan dan duduk sebenar keadaan selepas setahun setengah, Tuhan saja yang tahu sakit bila kita mahu buka cerita lama. Well, ada sebab kenapa "Past is never meant to be retold"(Nazihah Yahya,2013).

Betullah. Now, everything makes a perfect sense. Penjelasan daripada dia, dan aku baru faham semua yang pernah menjadi curiosity aku suatu masa dahulu. 

Sakit macam mana pun, dear you, somehow I still want to thank you for the willingness to explain. I know it takes a lot to have the courage of explaining the past.

Whatever that I meant to say, I've said. And whatever is meant to be heard by me, I've heard from your own mouth. So, I guess nothing left kot?

Kawan kawan kata, bila dah sampai stage ni,

belajarlah buat sesuatu yang selalu easier said than done which is to "let go".

*mengeluh*

Sebenarnya, apa yang aku rasa aku sendiri tak mampu nak describe. Nak gambarkan setiap inci rasa yang aku ada sekarang ni, aku sendiri tak tahu. Aku cuma tahu apa tindakan terbaik untuk aku sekarang ni. Dan inshaAllah kalau diberi izin oleh Tuhan, aku akan buat. Sebab bila sampai ke fasa ini, aku hanya mampu pegang "I've gotta do what I've gotta do" kalaupun apa apa sahaja yang aku bakal buat nanti adalah selfish, bodoh, sekarang aku nak rescue diri sendiri dulu. Apa sahaja kesakitan yang boleh dielak, aku elak. Self reminder. =)

Dan benda ni tak mudah untuk aku. It never is easy. Daripada mula sehingga ke harini. 

Apa yang aku perlu sangat sekarang ni adalah ruang dan masa. Untuk berfikir. Untuk digest semua perkara yang aku baru tahu. Untuk adapt dengan fakta yang tersembunyi daripada aku selama ni. Terlampau banyak informasi yang mengganggu gugat emosi aku. Terlampau banyak dalam satu masa. Dan untuk aku cerna satu persatu sesuai dengan logik akal aku? Tak mudah. Serius. Tak mudah.

In fact, untuk mula dari mana,aku sendiri tak tahu.

Aku sendiri tengah terumbang ambing. Aku sendiri tengah tak stabil. Aku mudah rasa dan fikir yang bukan bukan. Jujur. Ini adalah situasi paling teruk musim exam yang aku pernah alami. Habis kuat dah ni nak pujuk diri.

Tak seronok bro main soal hati perasaan time time exam macam ni. Aku tak tipu. Penat. Aku. Sangat. Penat.

Sekarang, aku cuma perlu cari orang yang akan duduk di tepi aku, dan dengar semua yang aku nak cakap tanpa ada sekelumit rasa untuk judge aku. Dan sekarang aku cuma perlu cari orang yang akan sokong dan mengiyakan apa sahaja yang aku mahu hambur sekarang ni. Aku nak luah tanpa filter. Tanpa ada unsur nak jaga hati sesiapa. Selagi aku filter, selagi tu sesak tak lepas. Tapi, macam payah. Environment aku tak mengiyakan keadaan begini untuk berlaku. 

Dan the worst part is, adalah susah untuk aku sendiri describe apa sahaja yang aku rasa. 

Sebab aku sendiri, tak tahu apa yang aku rasa.

 

Current addiction :

It is what it is - Lifehouse

too long we’ve been denying

now we’re both tired of trying

we hit a wall and we can’t get over it

nothing to relive

it’s water under the bridge

you said it, i get it

i guess it is what it i

here it comes ready or not

we both found out it’s not how we thought

that it would be, how it would be

if the time could turn us around

what once was lost may be found

for you and me, for you and me

P/s : Dalam misi membuat satu benda yang gila. Niat tu tetap dah. Harapnya tak disalah faham.

Dear you, even without an answer I guess I've figured my next step. Till then. :)

Buka Mata

Bodoh. Itu je perkataan yang aku rasa sesuai untuk aku sekarang.

Yup. Ada orang kata aku an open book. Terlalu terbuka bercerita perihal diri itu ini.

Kalau dulu mungkin aku mengamuk. Sebab yes, itu macam biggest insultation kot.
Tapi lepas aku bertapa sorang, give it a deep thought. He's not wrong. Aku marah sebab benda tu betul.

Tak kisah lah apa yang dah jadi dengan hidup aku these past few months, biar aku dengan Pencipta aku je yang tahu. Secret tak baik share publicly. The less you reveal the more people wonder.

Banyak yang aku nak cakap sebenarnya.

Banyak yang aku nak syukurkan sebenarnya.

Kawan kawan, ingat,
lemah macam mana pun kita bila ditimpa ujian Tuhan, ingat. Dan selalu ingat,please ingat, ujian yang hebat untuk orang yang hebat. Ujian ni semua down payment untuk dapat eternal happiness nanti. Janji Tuhan bukan macam janji manusia.

Aku sakit. Sakit aku berulang. Redundant. Dan semua sebab yang sama. Jiwa aku sakit yang hanya Tuhan yang faham dan rasa. Tapi tak bermaksud kau sakit kau kena sentiasa tunjuk betapa sakitnya kau kepada umum. Itu bukan cara seorang muslim.

Aku cakap aku redha. Aku cakap aku percaya semua yang jadi ada hikmah. Aku cakap aku yakin Tuhan ada dengan aku. Aku cakap Tuhan sebaik baik perancang. Tapi kenapa bila Tuhan letakkan dekat bahu aku semua rancangan dia, aku nangis? Aku rebel. Menangis sama jugak macam aku tak setuju dengan rancangan dia. Dengan takdir Dia.

Astaghfirullahalazim.

Apa dah jadi pada aku?


Ini maksud aku bodoh. Living in denial wont get you anywhere,sweetheart. Trust me.

Aku cakap tapi aku tak hayati. Aku sebut ayat ayat tu dalam doa aku seolah olah lagak macam best sangat tapi aku tak faham dan resapkan sebutir sebutir dalam jiwa aku. Islam apa aku ni?

Baca al-quran tapi tafsir taknak teliti satu satu. Kalau teliti pun tak masuk dalam otak. Tak betul betul kena dengan soul. Islam apa aku ni?


And most importantly,nak tau kenapa aku jadi macam ni?

Sebab hati aku terlalu bergantung pada yang bernyawa,pada sesuatu yang aku tau akan mati, pada sesuatu yang aku tau kebolehannya tak lebih tak kurang daripada aku.

Kebergantungan aku tu dah lari. Hamba jenis apa aku ni?

Ya Allah. Malu. Malu pada Dia yang sentiasa tunggu doa kita. Tapi kita tau apa?

Sedih. Dengar lagu yang melalaikan. Layan perasaan tu sampai makan diri. Last last leka lagha.

Astaghfirullahalazim.

Dan sebab Tuhan tu Maha Mengetahui. Dia tahu hati aku ni macam mana, dan sebab tu Dia bagi aku cara paling terbaik untuk mentarbiyah aku. Sebab mungkin cara lembut tak jalan untuk hati macam aku.

Nangis.

Ingat kawan. Ingat dan faham. Jangan terlalu bergantung pada manusia. Manusia boleh kecewakan kita,boleh hilangkan pendirian kita dengan semudah tu, tapi penawar kita semua ada pada Dia. Cari Dia, Dia tunggu kita.


p/s : Cuma nota untuk diri sendiri. Mohon jangan rasa jelik dengan aku.

Resolutions

Oh,I really missed the chance to update my blog like like two weeks ago. Bet some of you must be wondering how was my JPJ test went. Urm,yeah, it didnt went well. I failed on the road test because too bad for me,I got the the the grumpy JPJ with me during test and from my observation and further analysis,he could be charged for intentionally make all the attempts to make me fail the test. Urgh! Entah apa kejadah. Bukan enjin aku mati pun. Gaduh dengan bini dia agaknya. Pfft.. So kesimpulannya nanti aku kena repeat on the road punya test jela. Sedih tapi tulah orang kata rezeki tak de kan. :(

So now currently I am officially a degree student. Bachelor Education of TESL. Herm. Extremely delighted with this title. I completed the orientation last thursday so today is the first day of lecture. Actually we have no classes for today. Since it is the first day,the lecturers still trying to manage the timetable since all the three classes of TESL have the same timetable. herm herm. It looks like the combination of class will be likely to occur in some of those class. Me dont like this. HERM HERM.

For this first semester of degree we have 7 subjects. The craziest part here is to get the first degree it must be 3.8 pointer and above. Now, I am not sure if I could pursue that dream of mine or not. :'( 3.8 is way too high. Very very high i tell you. Nevermind, I'll work with everything I could,if Allah opens the path for me to get that first class degree,He will let me. In shaa Allah. =)

Sometimes, I'm afraid. Or maybe we could say as intimidate with myself. I tend to let myself drowned in my own thoughts and become totally distracted. I mean,all the absurd thoughts that shouldnt have appear in the first place. I just regret it. I'm afraid if all these thoughts distract me so much that I astray from my main mission and objective of coming here. To study and to hold that degree,the degree which my parents have been looking forward to. I dont want to get too overwhelmed with those things. I want to focus with everything I should and ought to.

Wish me luck guys! Pray for me would be even better.

I really need your support. :'D

Izzatulisme said :

I really hope I could stay handsome like this or getting better. I miss me. I love me. And I need me.

Oxymoron

Harini result exam keluar. Pfft.. Eventhough it is not as high as something to be proud of, but still I must say Alhamdulillah. Dan alhamdulillah sekali lagi sebab most importantly i passed! Because you know,the deal here is sesiapa yg tak pass salah satu paper must repeat that particular paper and like seriously,I dont want that to happen! Gila weh nak repeat paper yg daripada foudation time degree. Tak ke dua kali kerja tu? Nak study subject degree,nak revise subject foundation. Fuuh. Berat2! Tak sanggup. So alhamdulillah. Allah murahkan rezeki dan permudahkan jalan. Pointer pun tak adalah bagus mana tapi cukup dah rasanya bila dah boleh buat mak dengan ayah senyum tengok pointer. =)

The best part is,I've got the IC numbers of all the TESLA members. Luckily I still have the LC proposal so I have the access to their IC numbers. HEWHEW. Checking one after another,I want to congratulate all the TESLA members for that excellent performance and pointers they obtained. All the hard work have been paid off. Yang tak tidur malam,takut takut bagai(point kat muka sendiri) tu,boleh lah tidur dengan tenang. After all,this is the foundation only. Tak bawa kemana pun pointer foundation because once you entered the degree programme,pointer foundation tu seolah-olah di reset ke butang 0 semula since we are going to further our study here as well. So degree is like the new fresh start. Kan? Saya berjanji untuk tidak take for granted zaman degree kerana saya sangat berdoa untuk mengejar degree kelas pertama tu. Nak tolak tepi dulu all the whatnots apa kebenda entah yang mengarut ngarut jiwang karat feeling feeling bagai ni. Ah,masa hanya untuk diri sendiri. In shaa Allah. Cukuplah zaman foundation saya terumbang ambing dengan hal duniawi dan melalaikan. Astaghfirullahalazim. Terasa jahil benar. *sigh

Tapi kalau jodoh sampai awal,apa salahnya? EH? AHAHAHA!

So esok which is 27th December 2012 I will sit for my JPJ test. Woo~ Another burdensome and my nightmare test. Like extremely I am shivering for tomorrow's test. Just now "refresh" lesson didnt really go as I hoped. Seminggu lebih tinggal lesson yang diajar oleh Pakcik Azmi tu. Memang la macam enjin tua nak start balik. HAHA! I seriously pray tomorrow is going to be easy for me. I dont want to disappoint Mak and Ayah for this JPJ test. Memang matilah aku kena marah kalau kantoi ujian JPJ ni ohoi!

Please guys,pray for me tomorrow. Tuhan jelah tahu betapa cuak dan menggigilnya aku untuk esok ni ha. Semoga semua berjalan lancar esok hari. Semoga aku lulus ujian JPJ ni. Semoga JPJ yg test aku esok adalah orang yang lembut hati. HEHE~ *menaip sambil gigil*

My eyes are getting heavy now. Perut pun dah krik krok daripada tadi. Which should I do first? Tidur kot? HEHEH. I better get some rest I suppose. Okay,cut the crap. 

Congrats to me and my friends. Wish me luck for tomorrow! And and and most importantly,I love you guys! 

footnote Izzatulisme :

1. Geng Jelita sumpah I miss you guys! Like you guys have encountered my dreams for plenty times already. Its a sign of maximum kerinduan! 

2. Rindu jugak dengan si gila berenam yang berasal daripada pelbagai negeri. Oh,bakal berjumpa mereka less than one week. =)

Till then. Jaga diri,jaga hati,jaga iman. =)

Assalamualaikum.

Fitrah

Berkawan itu tidak salah.

Dan memang tak pernah salah pun secara fitrahnya.

Tapi perlu ada had nya.

Dan sentiasa kena ada had.

Sebab apa? Sebab setiap tindakan kita ada pros and cons dia.

Jadi, kau kena tahu batas batas setiap perkataan dan gerak geri kau,

bergantung dengan siapa you are dealing with

and most importantly,how you feel towards that person.

Well,aku bercakap based on experience. :)

Unlike Any Other Dreams

Another one week left before my lovely over-one-month semester break is going to end. And the upcoming month will be super duper busy hectic i tell ya. Dengan nak hari sukan nya lah,ada larian apa kebenda nya lah. Well,those are annual activities so I guess they should be expected lah kan? *sigh

Oh yeah,actually this time I am not really going to tell about my boring-not-lovely-holiday that I spent. How I wake up everyday,urm,yeah. I dont think that's necessary. NGEE~ :D

Grappling with my thoughts,urm,well,yeah,I've been thinking about this one thing.

Have you ever dreamt of someone whom you never know or met in person but just come into your view as your friend's friend? The person who you only know solely based on their name,and only a vague picture? Yeah yeah,I know this one is pretty confusing but let's just put this one into a big whole dimension of your imagination. Err.. I dont know how to describe this but yes, it happened to me. No no,I'm not the one who dreamt but I was the one to be in the dream of my friend's friend.

It was quite nerve-wrecking when I was being told about it. Because come to think of it,how on earth would you dream of someone who you never knew in person? Okay okay,unless you are a like a famous-rich-with-great-publicity all over the press then yes,it shouldn't be a question. Blergh! I dreamt of Fahrin Ahmad once okay? =='

And the best part is the person who invited me into that "thrilling" dream was a guy. He is a friend to my friend in IPG. And I still wonder how did he know my name,and and and the biggest wonder here is how did he know that I was the one in the dream? I mean,how did he recognize me if he never met me?

This was what he told my friend,

"Eh,malam tadi aku ada mimpi kawan hang yang nama apa tu,izzatul tu ha".

Should I or shouldn't I had that massive jaw-dropped at that moment? Hello,of course I should. Really? Like seriously? In fact, I have just seen his picture only once. Itu pun jelas tak jelas. I mean its not like I have that clear picture of him in my mind. And how come this whole-cutey face of mine can ever invade a stranger's dream? I was kind of freaked out but its nothing like scared to the hell ke apa. Its just like,I had that queer feeling. Super duper queeeeerrrrr~~ Please dont tell me you won't feel the same if you were to be in my place?

Then I just laughed after she told me that. Come on,she was also shocked hearing that. So I have more than reasonable reasons to always wonder and wonder indeed.

Since then, I started to take a deeper look at this guy's face through his facebook and twitter. You know, just to make any detail analyze just in case i happened to meet this guy somewhere I never know, or maybe he was my childhood friend. I mean,who knows? Maybe there's any chance we were friends before. But no,I have been trying so hard to match the face recognition of his with my mind memory but none seems compatible.

No,dont misunderstood. Its nothing like perasan ke bajet bajet ke apa. I just wonder. Because it never happened to me. Never. Never. Ever. If any stranger happened to be acting in my dreams,I wouldnt know if he or she is somewhere out there whom I never met. Yeah,I admit this is very first time for me. Laugh as you wish,I dont mind.

But lets just be honest, you wonder about it too right? NGAHAHAHAHAH!! :P


Footnote by Izzatulisme :

this is the free-typing version of entry without any backspace. Any typo should be considered. And and grammatical error kindly be forgiven. I'm no English Guru yet. TEEHEE~~

P/s : I miss the old me so bad. I just want her back. Thats all. =)

Foundation Over

Around this coming 31st December,I'll be flying off to Kelantan. Back. Yeah,and this will happen for another four years,sadly. *ecewah,nak jugak guna "flying off" tu padahal dalam negeri pun*

But this time,no more foundation year. The foundation year has finally over and I am about to enter the degree programme. Proudly present Bachelor of Education in Teaching English as a Second Language. Woohoo~ Clap clap dance dance.

To be honest,I think I am so going to miss those foundation moments. Yup,unlike other foundations,here we have 3 semesters of foundation and its like 1 year and a half. The best part is, we have the same holiday as the school since we are the future teachers. So,maybe we can see the relevance of having this kind of schedule,eh?
Here are some of the subject during my foundation years that I am not going to face any more after this.

Language Development - This subject is the lightest subject of all those four core subjects in my course. Since this subject doesnt really required you to memorize any fact,just the same thing you learnt in school ever since UPSR times,but this time it is way highly a killer. The learning process of this subject actually comes from your own learning,how much you read English materials,how much you enrich your vocabs, how many current issues you gained from newspapers,how good you can construct the well-polished sentences. And all of them can be seen through your writing in the pieces of paper or precisely your essays. Yes,essayssssss. *okay,exaggeration takes place*

Language Description - This subject is also known as Grammar. Ah-ha. The killer subject. Well,I am not really into this kind of grammar thing so I guess thats the reason it has not been that intimate with me. Naa~ I must say,in contrast with Language Development,this subject acquired an extremely high comprehension and memorization since the rules of applying all sorts of grammar in every sentences must be understood and well-versed. For all you know,the sentences that you've been practicing like forever has some major grammatical errors. Thats how we practice the grammar. Or else, you'll be doomed. I can guarantee you that,for sure. This time around it is not like how we learnt in schools but way more deep to that extent that this thought might comes across "why the hell should I learn this,man?" =='


English Studies - This subject is also known as Literature. Naa~ You have no idea how it feels like to study this level of literature. Its not like back then when we were getting spoonfeed with those points and evidences on the novel studies. It doesnt work that way,man. At this level,we understood what literature is all about and why those poems,short stories,drama and etc are created,what is the message behind those masterpiece.  Everything is between the lines and no,you can never be good in English Studies if you never know how to read between the lines because the meaning is always to be interpreted using the ideas of oneself. But the best thing about this subject is that there is no right or wrong answer. Just as long as you can prove your ideas based on solid evidences,no one can doubt your answer. Well,maybe I'm quite good at standing on my point. I think so. hikhik

Social Studies - Erm. I bet you know what this subject is all about based on the name only right? This subject,we go through every single thing the society have been talking and practicing since before.The culture,current issues etc. It involves solely on your interest of getting to know the worldwide nation as what happened globally. Well, I must thank this subject because without it, I wont be able to know about Rohingya,Rwandan genocide,Rothschild family. Who dominates the world currency,who runs the world economy, and who is responsible for the global pollution. Yeah,we study those things. Interesting. Beyond in the book knowledge. That is why we dont have any specific text or reference book for Social Studies. Because the knowledge is everywhere. =)


So gonna miss those subjects. Herm. Apparently I am going to have another hardcore subjects for degree,those that certainly attended my skill in writing.

Till then. Bye bye foundation. I am so going to miss you. Life has to move on. I miss you but lets just keep it in the box tightly. Thanks for all those sweet memories,my dear foundation. =))

SONG IN MOTION (SEMESTER 1)

RECREATIONAL SPORT CAMPING PROGRAMME (SEMESTER 1)

 SOCIAL STUDIES EXHIBITION SEMESTER 1

KUALA GANDAH TRIP(SEMESTER 2)

KING LEAR STAGING(SEMESTER 2)

AKTIVITI SUKAN DAN PERMAINAN TRADISIONAL AT BUKIT KELUANG(SEMESTER 2)

 KEM SEMBELIHAN AT PANTAI MELAWI (SEMESTER 2)

LANGUAGE CAMP AT SM SAINS MACHANG (SEMESTER 2)

EDU TRIP TO TAMAN NEGARA (SEMESTER 3)

ANNUAL DINNER (SEMESTER 3)

P/S : 

I walked away before this with mountains of hopes that you are going to find me and everything will be fine just like how they used to be but no,not this time. This time around,I am going to walk away with mountains of hopes and prays that I am going to find myself and my Creator. No turning back,no everything will be fine with you because I believe I deserve someone much better. Not a player like you. If you think I am just like your other toys,no. I am not. I'm not them. And I believe too,these are the signs from Allah to me so that I will do something about it. Thank you,Ya Allah.

19 tahun bernafas.

Okay,its been a month since my birthday.  And just like my annual activity on this blog, I would update all the wishes and what happened on that day itself. Okay, 23rd August 2012 which was on the fifth day og Eid Fitr. These are all the wishes I got on the day. Well,not all. Some of them. These are the significant ones, I guess. =)

The first birthday wish, was a phone call from Syaza Mariyah, a call way from Korea. I'm so touched. :'(

Then the first birthday wish through a text message saying  :-

"Assalamualaikum. Sahabatku Izzatul Nazihah. Selamat ulangtahun kelahiran sayang. =) Semoga sukses dan ceria2 selalu. Persahabatan kekal selamanya. Salam Aidilfitri Maaf Zahir Batin." - Nur Syazwani Bt Sulehan

"Tul! Happy Birthday dear! Semoga Allah sentiasa memberkati dan merahmati hidup kau. Semoga kau bahagia di samping keluarga tersayang. dan semoga kau berjaya dunia akhirat. Nanti jadi cikgu comel tau. hehe. Happy birthday tul! Live your life to the fullest okeh! Apapun, utamakan redha Allah. InsyaAllah semuanya dipermudahkan. Amin =) Sayang kau.!!" -Nurul Farhanah Aminuddin

"Kehadapan adindaku Izzatul. Selamat hari ulangtahun yang ke 19 woii!! Hahaha.. Aku doakan kau berjaya dunia akhirat okay! Love yaa!! xx" -Siti Syuhada Lokman

"Assalamualaikum! Ehm3.. Saya, Nurhafizsah Bt Zaimey ingin mengucapkan selamat hari jadi kepada Izzatul Nazihah dan semoga sihat. Ceria sentiasa. Maafkan segala salah silap saya dan semoga persahabatan ini berkekalan selamanya." - Nurhafizsah Bt Zaimey

"Izat! Hepy bday si ikan buntal :p" -Nur Fauziah Bt Mohd Ali

"Happy birthday izzat! Have a blast on your special day and may Allah blessed you througout your journey. =) " - Nur Ain Bt Ghazali

"Happy Birthday" -Haziq Ishak

"Izatt!! Happy Birthday sayang." -Nur Khairunnisa Bt Raja Mohd

"Tul! Happy birthday! Semoga panjang umur n murah rezeki. Kalau boleh jgn jadi warga tetap kelatan tau. =) have a blast! " -Nadiatul Akmar bt Ros Saidi

"Happy Birthday!!! May Allah bless, <3 -="-" binti="binti" izyan="izyan" p="p" safari.="safari." zahirah="zahirah">

"Tul. Selamat hari jadi ye.. Semoga panjang umur n murah rezeki. Gud luck with your study. And for whatever you are achieving for. Have fun.. =D Jgn lupa aku tul. hahahaha. Syg kau. =D" - Muhammad Akif bin Abu Bakar.

"Assalam hatol. Happy besday izzatul nazihah @ bucik selangor. Mau you have the best in your life, semoga diberkati Allah selalu. Ameen =D The last person tak? HEHEH " - Nursyafiqah Farah Bt Rosdi

"Atul,happy birthday! Aku syg kau. Moga kau sihat dan dimurahkan rezeki sokmo. Kau jaga diri and 'hati' kau elok2. Haa..kau jgn nak gedik la lepas ni. Dah besar ye bucik. Aku sorang je paling junior. Ucapan ikhlas dari - emily the strange " - Nurul Insyirah Bt Zaidi

"Oi.happy birthday atul.. semoga kau makin matang ye..penat dah aku layan kau selama neh..hehe " -Muhamad Azim Hanifi bin Khilmi

"Happy birthday atul! ceria ceria selalu. PAnjang umur" - Che Nur Asyiqin bt Che Khamshah

"Oik budak!! Happy birthday..nanti hadiah kau aku belikan.. =P aku bukan lupa tau,just bosang eh jadi orang awal wish..haha. love u not much..tc.. " -Khairatul Amirah bt Zainuddin

"Assalamualaikum. Sanah helwa izzatul nazihah bt yahya. Semoga mendapat keberkatan dan keredhaanNya dalam setiap perkara yg dilakukan,semoga mendapat yg terbaik dalam segenap aspek kehidupan.semoga berjaya dunia dan akhirat, dan semoga berbahagia selalu. InsyaAllah =) " - Mohamad Lukhmanul Hakim bin Hussin

"Assalamualaikum izzatul. Selamat hari lahir yg ke-19. Semoga dipanjangkan umur dan dimurahkan rezeki. InsyaAllah. Semoga berjaya capai cita2. Amin. Kirim salam kat family dan wish happy birthday kat kakak jugak. :') " -Siti Norlaila Bt Abdul Halim

Phone calls that come from Alif Asyraf, Syaza Mariyah. Fatin Fareena, Akif Abu Bakar. I appreciate it guys,seriously. Nak menitis airmata ni ha. srett..srett..srett.. *hembus hingus* euuww..

okay,atul pengotor. LOL!

i received the tiny mr.patrick from azim hanifi, a frame picture with the seven of us in it from siti adawiyah,bracelet from siti norlaila,name keychain from nurul insyirah and also teddy bear keychain from nursyafiqah farah. thanks my new family. i love you guys, till jannah. insyaAllah.

it may not be the best moment ever for my birthday but i cherish those. every.single.moment. 

thank you,and forever thank you. =)

Silhouette

                                                                     

This song is my current addiction. Not to mention the lyrics, well,perhaps it is almost exactly what I feel now. I hope you know how much I suffered because of you. Thanks to you for this unbearable pain. Now I learn how to deal with my abrupt feeling.Thanks Owl City for making me addicted. 



                                                              "Silhouette" - Owl City

I'm tired of waking up in tears
'Cause I can't put to bed these phobias and fears
I'm new to this grief I can't explain
But I'm no stranger to the heartache and the pain

The fire I began is burning me alive
But I know better than to leave and let it die

I'm a silhouette asking every now and then
"Is it over yet? Will I ever feel again?"
I'm a silhouette chasing rainbows on my own
But the more I try to move on, the more I feel alone
So I watch the summer stars to lead me home

I'm sick of the past I can't erase
A jumble of footprints and hasty steps I can't retrace
The mountain of things I still regret
Is a vile reminder that I would rather just forget (no matter where I go)

The fire I began is burning me alive
But I know better than to leave and let it die

I'm a silhouette asking every now and then (now and then)
"Is it over yet? Will I ever smile again?"
I'm a silhouette chasing rainbows on my own
But the more I try to move on, the more I feel alone
So I watch the summer stars to lead me home

'Cause I walk alone
No matter where I go
'Cause I walk alone
No matter where I go
'Cause I walk alone
No matter where I go

I'm a silhouette asking every now and then (now and then)
"Is it over yet? Will I ever love again?"
I'm a silhouette chasing rainbows on my own
But the more I try to move on, the more I feel alone
So I watch the summer stars to lead me home

I watch the summer stars to lead me home.

Izzatulisme  : I am no longer easily fooled. =)

Spoil

Sedap main basketball sampai hujan2 tadi,
serius rasa macam tak jejak tanah aku.
Sedap kot main tak hengat problem.
Release tension dan segala adik beradiknya.
Pheww~

Tapi on the way back tu, aku ingat nak lari daripada problem.
And I seriously thought the problem would not  chase me,at least upon that joyful moment.
But then, I gazed at you-know-who tadi.
Dia pun baru habis main basketball. Well,we played on the same court cuma berlainan side je.
Dia naik motor, bonceng belakang,sambil kepit dua bola basket bawah armpit dia.
Darah aku macam mendidih tak memasal.
Ah sudah.
Muka jadi panas pulak tiba tiba.

Kurang budi bahasa punya manusia.
Berani nak gelak2 bergembira suka riang ria ribena depan aku?
Lepas apa yg kau dah buat kat aku?
Lepas kau dah janji sakan dengan aku.
Urgh...
Ikut hati jahat aku, bola basket yang aku tengah pegang tu, nak je aku baling daripada belakang,kasi hentak kat kepala dia daripada belakang. Biar barai kepala dia sekali dengan bola bola basket kesayangan dia tu. HAHAHAHAAHAHA *gelak jahat*

Okay,aku jahat. :p

Sukahati tabur janji sana sini dekat orang, bajet taiko sweet talker?
Ergh. Mendidih tau darah aku tengok kau seronok sana sini
lepas kau torture emosi aku sampai parah macam ni.
Kau sangat jahat dan kejam dan dan dan dan patut dihantar ke pusat penjagaan kanak kanak.
Pfft...
Serius serius, kau tak layak pun nak senyum apatah lagi ketawa2 depan aku.
Rasa nak tarik je semua gigi kau.

Ok,done.

Spoil mood betul. =='