Prisoner Of Mind.

For my entire life, I have been asking myself this one particular question. Maybe you will find it weird but that thoughts keep swirling on my head. Chasing my every dream, hunting my every ease, and distracting my every blink. Duh, I just can't feel nothing than to curl up from everyone else.

Dont speak. Think with me. I do everything that people do to pursue their dream. I risked being safe to do whatever it takes to be a part of high-achievers. But yet, I wonder. I never think of how my happiness would be. Instead, I am afraid of how their reaction would turned out to be. In which precisely, I put myself on the second rank. And both of them managed to win over the first rank of my priorities. I put aside the joy to a satisfaction of my own.

Yes, I know everyone will do the same. But I just need some space to say to a mirror of my own reflection, "Did I do this in my willingness or just as another obligation to be fulfilled?". Please sincerity,do come spread your magic charm on me. I am taking action with your absence. Yes, I did this for them. Not for me. I am not afraid of any disappointment but to their frustration? Sorry, I cannot and can never be ready.

Mostly people will decide their interest. Holding the power to choose their own next day. But it just seems that they wrenched that part from me. I picked things to their desire and swallow all my voices as I have no idea where all those courage flew away. They create the design of how my life progress should be. Perhaps I will find a way to plant some seeds of sincerity in this heart. Look at things from their side and maybe this is how I can eliminate the feeling of being forced.

Please please please Allah,

Help me to be in the best state of mind.

The Catalyst

Sejak daripada kecik, aku rasa hidup aku sentiasa bergantung pada catalyst. Kalau nak buat apa-apa, selagi tak ada orang yang paksa atau kerah mesti lambat je bertindak kan. Macam masa kecik-kecik dulu, selagi mak tak jerit suruh mandi, selagi tu lah dok melangut depan tv tengok kartun.

"Adikk....!!! Pergi mandi cepat! Dah maghrib ni.."

"Kejap lah mak. Nak tengok kartun ni dulu.."

Dan akhirnya terpaksa mengalah dengan kuasa seorang emak. Lepas tu, masuk sekolah rendah. Balik rumah bukan tahu nak buat homework ke apa. Balik-balik je terus tengok tv, tidur. Masa tu, pedulik hape aku dengan homework. Haha.. Cikgu nak rotan? Go ahead.. Tak heran! Uweekk! Lepas tu, esoknya pergi sekolah rilek je muka-kering-sakai-pi-mampuih homework satu pun tak sentuh. Esoknya,ayah bising. Tak ada kerja sekolah ke asyik main je? Tunggu nak kena marah jugak baru lah terkedek-kedek nak pergi cari beg sekolah balik.

[Gambar : Macam ni lah tahap ketekunan aku buat homework bersama abang tercinta]

Lepas tu, masa lepas habis UPSR. Sekolah rajin sangat buat event bagai. Kalau tak dalam hati masa tu, memang aku malas nak ambik port lah kan pertandingan jadah entah. Kawan-kawan pun dok tolak tolak aku suruh join. Okay okay. Aku join. Seronok lah korang kan? Haha..

Masuk pulak sekolah menengah tak tahu apahal rasa macam nak aktif gila gaban dalam unit uniform. Mungkin disebabkan rakan-rakan yang bertindak sebagai catalyst. Masa tu, tiap-tiap kali BSMM buat apa-apa aktiviti je, mesti discuss dulu dengan member-member lain nak join ke tak. Memegang kata-kata muafakat membawa berkat. Haha..

Sampai Form 3 pulak, masa tu memang tak minat langsung kot benda alah pantun-pantun bagai ni. Bajet macho gila lah masa tu. AKU dan PANTUN adalah REPEL. Sekali lagi, datang pulak Cikgu Sarimah sebagai catalyst yang mendorong aku join pantun.Mula-mula memang tak nak. Serius. Celah mana aku nak tahu bab-bab pantun ni? Masuk pertandingan pun tak pernah kot. Gila tak cuak aku? Tapi cikgu dok yakinkan aku boleh buat punya. Okay, aku mengalah dan akhirnya jadi pemantun sekolah sampailah aku pindah ke SABDA. Okay, pantun taklah seteruk yang disangka.

[Gambar : Masa pertandingan pantun lawan ACS Klang/ 2008]

Lepas tu, masuk pulak musim berblogging. Masa tu hujung tahun Form 3. Terima kasih daun ganja kepada kawan-kawan seperjuangan(NANIRO) yang beria-ia meng"accelerate"kan keinginan aku untuk berblogging. Dan juga speed up the reaction untuk aku update blog hari-hari masa tu. Jakunah sikit.

Nampak tak betapa pentingnya catalyst dalam hidup aku? Dan betapa catalyst memberi kesan terhadap setiap reaction aku. Haha.. Sampai sekarang, kalau tak ada catalyst rasa macam hilang semangat. Lagi-lagi kalau yang ada buah hati pengarang jantung pisang tu ada extra catalyst lah kan. Semua orang sekeliling aku adalah catalyst aku. Baik daripada hal peribadi sampailah ke hal umum. Jujur aku berkata.

Catalyst is essentially required in every breath.

Mungkin kau pun ada jugak catalyst sendiri kan? Semua orang pun perlukan catalyst.

p/s : Eh,kejap. Mana cerita SABDA? Oh,itu lain edition pulak. Panjang benor ha nak khabor ke kome kat sini.

20 Random Things about Izzatulisme

-Cubaan menbuat popping di belakang surau-

Surau SABDA 2010

Malam Kemuncak Kokurikulum

Selama ni kalau orang tanya aku soalan tipikal macam "Describe briefly about yourself". Selalunya aku akan tercengang sekejap. Atau soalan macam "Apa yang kau suka eyh?". Serius,aku memang tak reti nak menjawab soalan-soalan macam tu. Yela, tak ke besar benar skop soalan tu? Dan ada jugak orang pernah berkata aku ni suka simpan masalah sendiri. Dan ada jugak orang pernah kata aku ni hati kering a.k.a heartless. Macam-macam kan? Aku pun naik pelik je.

Jadi,aku pun terfikir nak buat entri ni. *bajet famous je! Sebab kadang-kadang tu banyak pasal aku yang orang tak tahu dan mungkin rasa pelik dan aneh. Walaupun aku tak adalah terkenal mana pun,takat makcik kantin dengan makcik cleaner sekolah aku je yang kenal dengan jiran sebelah rumah ni. Tapi aku saja nak bagi kau tahu sebelah lagi satu aku. Orang putih kata"The Other Side of Me". =D

Setelah di kepilkan bersama, inilah dia hasilnya :- *angkat-angkat kening

1. She must listened to a sad song everyday right before she sleeps. Dah tepuk-tepuk bantal tu,dah golek-golek ambil mood nak tidur,aku wajib capai mp3 cabuk aku tu,dengar sekurang-kurangnya satu lagu sedih. (Ish ish..teruk gila. Dengar surah takpe jugak.)
2. She must at least find a new word vocabulary for herself be it in English or Malay everyday. (Tapi kadang-kadang tu bukan ingat semua pun.)
3. She never consumed any pineapple until she went to her boarding school. And she still remembers , it was on the lunch time,and the meal included pineapple. She finally had a first bite of pineapple when she was 16 years old! She just loves it up until today!
4. She never changed her phone number and still using the same first number she bought when she was 13 years old. (Those who still have my number,so contact me okay?)
5. Nobody ever said she is a silent person. (Would you mind to be the first? Heee~)
6. She is not good in complimenting. (So please don't expect any compliment from me. I would do so if I really want to)
7. She needs to think at least about a person she knew, the relationship going between her and that person,only then she is able to write a poem.
8. She prefer to lock herself in a dark room when she is under stress.
9. She never eats lemang up until today.(Okay,don't laugh over this one. I know you eat lemang.)
10. She thinks of her teachers,school whenever she was about to sleep.
11. She can be very grumpy. But when she faces someone grumpier,she could be switched into a very indescribable-patience-girl you can never imagine.
12. She has never had any crush towards any celebrities. (hati kering)
13. She was once an asthma victim.
14. She never knew how to read even after she finished her kindergarten. And learned to do reading completely when she was 8 years old. The kindergarten was some kind of a trip to her.
15. She can be having a bad fever even by sneezing from the smell of a cooking.
16. She made a special folder contained all pictures of the guy she ever crushed on. Professional stalker.
17. She dislikes caffeine VERY MUCH but can drinks packets of high-caffeine drink just for the sake of study. And she can never touch them again if it is not for studying purpose.
18. The first time she stepped into karaoke place was 15 years old.
19. She washes her hair everyday.
20. She has been labeled as the Queen of Sarcasm for at least 2 times. =)

So those are things people might not know about me. Perhaps some of them you do know,don't you? This is totally a perfect element of randomness. A thing or two about me and I call them as "Izzatulisme". How about yours? Mind to share with me your randomness? Hee~