Well, maybe I havent been in love for quite some time. Or maybe I havent been in a real relationship for quite long that I have forgotten the reality of being in love or in fact, committing yourself to one particular person.
They say, in life you will fall in love three times. Well, to what I have been feeling, maybe Erwin is the third person I fell in love with. But I dont know. Things between us seems to be really on rough patch right now. I may be quite naive to think being jobless and having a boyfriend at the same time would actually help the duration of being jobless. But no, since being jobless make you feel like depending so much on the other person, that you almost forgot the other person is not jobless. All conversations become bitter,shorter, and any mistakes occur seems to be pestering each of us. To the extent that I even reevaluate the decision to stay in this relationship. He said I overthink too much,and like to create drama that is not even there in the first place. I asked him whether he still loves me, or still wants me. And if we are still on the same page. All of those he said yes. I mean, Im a woman who havent been in any serious relationship for the past 4 years. And Im trying to adapt myself with this. Of course my insecurities will be all over the place.
Its just I become quite sensitive nowadays. I dont know. Maybe because he started to show his true colour. His temper when he's annoyed with me. His curse words when he's angry towards me. Our disagreement to almost everything. To be honest, Im totally scared with him. Cant really imagine the world after marriage with him. He changed 360 after I become his girlfriend. So I guess there's possibility that he'll become worse after married.
On the other side, sometimes I do think that I am being quite drama-queen. Over react to almost everything. The thing is, he even get mad when I asked for attention. Well, I guess I learned the hard way that people can promise you a world today, and then get mad at you for asking it the next day,right? What else to say, people change,even if not by choice. Because we have so much factors that could influence us.
Im a firm believer that people change. And people dont change by choice. Its what surround us that make us change. I dont really know what to do with my love life now. I guess we can talk about it. But I think we have enough talk about it,since everytime I bring up the issues, he wouldnt think there's an issue to begin with. So what else can I say?
So,for the time being, I think I dont need to force him to do anything. I will just treat him the way I think I could. Im taking the high road. Maybe treat him nicely. And there's nothing wrong about giving it all the best shots I have this time,so that one day, if I ever decide to leave, I will leave with no regrets knowing that I went all the extra miles possible to make this work. And in a relationship,it works two ways. If Im working alone, then maybe Im not the woman he's looking for. He can treat me like shit all he wants. I have nothing to lose.
I guess thats all for today. I have so much thoughts lingering on my mind that I think bothering people with them, is not the best choice. So dear blog, I hope you are there to display all inner thought I have in mind because for people like me, writing is one of the best way to express whatever silly thoughts I have in mind.
Till then. I hope I can get back on track as soon as possible. I wanna work. Please.
Ya Allah. :'(