Friday, March 17, 2017

Taking the High Road

Herm I dont know what I have in mind right now. I guess being graduated and jobless for quite some months do not really work best on people like me. With having a complicated boyfriend, I think these are not a good combination for those overthinking and over worrying woman like me.

Well, maybe I havent been in love for quite some time. Or maybe I havent been in a real relationship for quite long that I have forgotten the reality of being in love or in fact, committing yourself to one particular person.

They say, in life you will fall in love three times. Well, to what I have been feeling, maybe Erwin is the third person I fell in love with. But I dont know. Things between us seems to be really on rough patch right now. I may be quite naive to think being jobless and having a boyfriend at the same time would actually help the duration of being jobless. But no, since being jobless make you feel like depending so much on the other person, that you almost forgot the other person is not jobless. All conversations become bitter,shorter, and any mistakes occur seems to be pestering each of us. To the extent that I even reevaluate the decision to stay in this relationship. He said I overthink too much,and like to create drama that is not even there in the first place. I asked him whether he still loves me, or still wants me. And if we are still on the same page. All of those he said yes. I mean, Im a woman who havent been in any serious relationship for the past 4 years. And Im trying to adapt myself with this. Of course my insecurities will be all over the place.

Its just I become quite sensitive nowadays. I dont know. Maybe because he started to show his true colour. His temper when he's annoyed with me. His curse words when he's angry towards me. Our disagreement to almost everything. To be honest, Im totally scared with him. Cant really imagine the world after marriage with him. He changed 360 after I become his girlfriend. So I guess there's possibility that he'll become worse after married.

On the other side, sometimes I do think that I am being quite drama-queen. Over react to almost everything. The thing is, he even get mad when I asked for attention. Well, I guess I learned the hard way that people can promise you a world today, and then get mad at you for asking it the next day,right? What else to say, people change,even if not by choice. Because we have so much factors that could influence us.

Im a firm believer that people change. And people dont change by choice. Its what surround us that make us change. I dont really know what to do with my love life now. I guess we can talk about it. But I think we have enough talk about it,since everytime I bring up the issues, he wouldnt think there's an issue to begin with. So what else can I say?

So,for the time being, I think I dont need to force him to do anything. I will just treat him the way I think I could. Im taking the high road. Maybe treat him nicely. And there's nothing wrong about giving it all the best shots I have this time,so that one day, if I ever decide to leave, I will leave with no regrets knowing that I went all the extra miles possible to make this work. And in a relationship,it works two ways. If Im working alone, then maybe Im not the woman he's looking for. He can treat me like shit all he wants. I have nothing to lose.

I guess thats all for today. I have so much thoughts lingering on my mind that I think bothering people with them, is not the best choice. So dear blog, I hope you are there to display all inner thought I have in mind because for people like me, writing is one of the best way to express whatever silly thoughts I have in mind.

Till then. I hope I can get back on track as soon as possible. I wanna work. Please.
Ya Allah. :'(

Sunday, May 29, 2016

Major comeback

So, its 2016 already.

My previous post was like 2 years ago. Like what???!!
Believe it or not, I'm in my final year degree phase. Will be completing the studies within just 6 months. And will have the real-life phase of working as a real-life teacher. Ya rabbi!!

Ok. Nothing much to update. Everything with life seems to be going very well. I mean nothing to be ungrateful for. Considering such a sinner I am, I should have nothing to complain about the life I'm having.

Academic's life pretty well. Yeah,practicum and so on.

Love life? Erm erm. Lets pause it there.
Its been two years since I last wrote here. And I am proudly to say here, am still single. BHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Ok laugh all you want.
But tell you what, being single on my final year is so so not exciting.
I tell you why.

My ex is already engaged, my classmates are already married, the number of my batchmates who getting married are increasing day by day, my juniors are already married, and I am here writing here about how pathetic my single life is.

No,its not that I want to be married to by now. Its just that you know, I cant really deny the fact that I am quite affected with the environment, As if the environment is provoking you or even worse, it feels like people are mocking you when you attend your friend's wedding and you get questions like "Kau bila lagi?" Pfttt..just dont ask me that kind of question. Aku calon pun takdak lagi. Kalau calon dah ada aku boleh lah gelak2 nampak gusi gedik2 macam kerang busuk cakap tanya lah boypren aku. the thing is now, I have no one to use that sentence for. Worse come to worse, I just cant stand bila orang cakap, "Bukak lah hati kau. Tipulah takde orang datang approach kau. Muka macam ni takkan takde orang datang approach." Dan ayat2 ini kebanyakan masa dituturkan oleh kawan2 lelaki aku. Aku smirk 10 juta kali kat korang boleh?

Well, you know what guys. We dont fall in love just by looks. Nak kata sebab rupa, dah tu, kau nak kata orang2 yang ada rupa je layak kahwin? Habis tu, orang2 yang tak berapa nak dikategorikan cantik handsome semua tu kau nak kata tak hairan la takde orang lagi? What is thisssS???!!

Come on,grow up. The thing is with all this marriage thing, selagi Tuhan kata belum, it will never be. Nak kata aku tak usaha, I think I did almost everything. I did go out,make friends with new people, even strangers, get to know new people,in fact, i did give some chance to people who confessed they like me. I did not shut my door like seal it. Cuma orang kata, "the one" tu tak datang lagi. Aku try kenal orang, bagi chance dekat orang yang suka aku, but it just didnt work. The spark tu tak muncul lagi. You will know he is the one when you feel it. Masalahnya aku tak datang lagi feel tu with anyone involve with my life now. Semua dekat level sama je.

Bukan nak kata aku nak bertunang ke apa by now, I just wanna have someone. So that, aku boleh hentikan gosip2 liar yang tuduh aku dengan orang ni, orang tu. Pantang tengok aku rapat dengan certain2 orang, Mulalah laju je orang nak gosipkan. Im just tired of being scandle-d with anyone yang bukan special someone aku pun. Not even close pun. Boypren orang la, super junior la, I just dont want to hear those thing. Just because I am an outgoing person so senang2 jela nak skandal kan aku dgn sesiapa yang aku rapat? Rimas woi rimas!!

Sebab tu lah aku berdoa sangat kat Tuhan and I really wish to have special someone by now, so that bila kena skandal ke apa, I could use him as my shield. Orang tak kacau dah orang punya. Kalau kena gosip pun, paling2 best aku boleh cakap ayat macam ni, "Eh,aku kawan je dgn dia. Nanti marah buah hati aku". Gitewww. Kah!

Ah pokoknya aku nak that day to finally come. Tu je. Tapi takpelah. All it takes is just some patience. Tuhan nak ajar aku suruh sabar. Setiap orang jalan cerita lain lain. Jangan jadi tak bersyukur sangat. hehehe

Oklah. Aku ada banyak lagi nak release tension sebenarnya. Tapi japgi ah. Utk post ni,sampai sini je dulu. Kata comeback. AKu nak layan friends dulu.

Nanti aku tension sangat aku update balik. Haaa..yang tu nanti topik dia lain pulak. Kihkih!

Ok gerak lu pape roger. Assalamualaikum goodnight, bakal jodoh. Jangan buas sangat. Nanti ada rezeki kita jumpa. hehehe

Monday, December 22, 2014


2014 is currently approaching its end. And obviously it has been a great year for me.

Well, truth be told, because I faced many phases of self-discovery on this year.
Started off with a broken heart that was broken until the very last pieces that possible, I was totally lost and unable to manage my emotion , which in a very deep regret I'd say,  effects my actions.

I let people looked down on me. I let people judge how broken I was. I let people take advantage on my weakness. And most importantly, I let myself become an open book. *sigh*

After a while, I started to come to my senses. I shifted into the "screw everything, I'm gonna make myself useful and better" mode.

I began to say to myself, "Why not try this? I ain't lose anything" to almost everything.

Thats how I began to meet different people, encounter different life, mingle with my unusual society, involved with things that I'd most probably say no if I were not to be that broken. I find myself was eager to find as many as possible activities to occupy the mind from being too distracted.

And that's how I created my life this year, honestly, I feel better now. A lot better than I was a year ago.

That was also how I became

a 4x400 athlete
a rugby player
an active volunteer facilitator
a sports addict
a weight conscious
a runner up for public speaking competition
a part of the forum bahasa melayu team peringkat kebangsaan

I was trying to start over the whole thing, in the effort of creating the better version of myself. I've tried to fix all the things that I can, and adapt to those that I can't , because somehow that's called living. Changes can be a real struggle, I'd say. We fall, we break, we get up and move on. No one is broken for good unless they let themselves to be. So, I surrounded myself with good people, in fact people that is out of my ordinary. I learned to see things differently, from different point of view, and create my own perspective, in a better way, of course. I no longer pay more attention to those who treated me like a trash, but instead I treated them the way they treat me. A win-win situation I guess. I was also coated with the true answer I've been searching all this while from the only person I've ever asked the particular question. It was heartbreaking at first, but then I managed.
That is where the adapting part occurs.

And most importantly, I want people to remember me with good memories.

So 2014, my second year of degree, it was a hectic one year full with everything. Self-discovery phase that comes in many stages.

Alhamdulillah, I couldn't thank Allah more for all His blessings. I am a better person now,physically,mentally,emotionally and virtually and will continuously to be better from day to day.

All in all, goodbye to 2014 in a few days.
Thanks for all the good memories. I'm glad I did make the best out of everything.

p/s : Currently in the nervous mood of waiting the result. InshaAllah kita dapat apa yang kita usahakan. Keep calm and have faith. 

Wednesday, July 30, 2014

The 2014 Hari Raya.

Assalamualaikum and a very good day everyone.

Wow, ages huh since I've last updated anything in this blog of mine? Maybe due to the busy schedule but apart from that,yeah, I shall admit, I am just too lazy and enjoy my leisure moment of doing nothing even if I have some free time. HEHEHEHEHEHE.

So well. Before that, how are you guys doing?
Me? From the bottom of my purest heart, I am feeling very good and happy with my current life now. Yes, I am that happy with my life now which the only thing could make me worry is my mother's health and my studies. Both are my priorities for now.
I am way past the mourning and torturing phase of myself. Alhamdulillah alhamdulillah alhamdulillah.
Don't get me wrong. It has nothing to do whether I've already found the love of my life or not. (Still single and still looking for the right one though. HEHEHEHE.) It is about how well I am able to manage my life now, be it emotionally and physically. Tepuk tangan sket..

So, this year's Hari Raya is a bit different from all previous ones. First,because this year we are celebrating Hari Raya with my mother just got discharged from a long treatment in the hospital due to her disease, "Aplastic anaemia". So, we were less prepared for anything regarding raya. Baju raya pun recycle last year je. Lapik meja langsir raya carpet raya semua recycle mana ada. Mak is just starting to get better from her last condition which appeared to be very heart-wrenching to me. So, this year, having Mak together with us to celebrate raya,to be able to salam salam bermaaf maafan is more than enough even though the follow-up treatment is still needed. Walaupun semangat raya mak macam hambar sikit, takpe. Kitorang ada untuk menaikkan semangat mak. :')

This year raya also I didn't really receive many raya wishes from friends. Well, maybe as time passed by, people drift apart from each other,perhaps? And to be honest, there are some people who I've been waiting for their raya wishes but only some meet the wait. Tiba2 banyak orang2 yang tak disangka pulak wish selamat hari raya ikut text message. Raya wishes through text messages are very very much appreciated. Because the way I see it, those people who took the effort of texting you and spending their credit just to wish you selamat hari raya despite of all the free apps we have nowadays(whatsapp,wechat etc etc) are those people who understand the value of sincerity in their wish. Wow, I sound so sentimental. Kahkahkah! But yeah, I am speaking the truth.

For now, I dont even know where does this spirit of mine came from, but this time around, I won't. I won't tolerate with anyone(well,this applies only to some) who doesn't even took the effort of remembering me eventhough we are close. Which means here, I won't initiate any conversation or initiate the raya wish. I will be just waiting. Kalau tiada wish dari kamu,maka tiada jugalah wish dari saya. Simple. You know where to look for me in case I suddenly popped up on your mind. I'm fed up of leaving up space for people who don't even remember me. I just had enough with dramas in my life and I dont want any of it anymore. Am not expecting anything and am not attaching myself to anything or anyone. And somehow, I am feeling good with this new style and adapting with it very well. Still alive and awesome. The way of appreciating yourself better I guess. hehehehehe

Will be going back to kelantan this saturday. Tak syok betul. Baru nak masuk mood raya dengan kawan kawan kat selangor semua baru nak buat openhouse dah kena start assignment. So it looks like I will miss the part of having reunion with schoolmates and old friends since semua orang pun kat kampung lagi and by the time I'll be going back to kelantan baru semua orang balik rumah nak jalan jumpa kawan kawan pulak. Herm.. takpelah. Redho. Nok buek cemanoo

Till then. Doakan aku baik baik sahaja di sini seperti sekarang ini, malah lebih baik untuk masa akan datang. Doakan Tuhan permudahkan urusan dan niat aku untuk jadi muslimah yang lebih baik walaupun tidak sedrastik mana perubahan aku tapi doakan biar kayuhan aku ni perlahan lahan tapi istiqomah dan semakin baik. Itu saja. Aku nak jadi anak yang menyenangkan mak ayah di akhirat.

Oh, and by the way, aku akan dapat anak buah kedua dalam bulan Mac tahun depan. Good news huh?  Tak sabar! Makin senteng la rambut aku nak jaga budak budak kecik ni bila cuti nanti. HEHEHE

Doakan aku berjaya menamatkan pengajian dengan ijazah kelas pertama juga ye. Alhamdulillah setakat ni pointer pun baik baik sahaja. Masih dalam target. 3.75. Dan kalau boleh aku nak naikkan lagi, taknak turun. HEEEEE. Aminn..

Jaga diri,jaga iman,jaga hati.
Ingat Allah ada di mana mana. :)

Tuesday, March 18, 2014

Que Sera Sera

"Its easier to run but its more painful.

Face the pain, live with it, bounce back and move on"

Sangat terkesan dengan ayat ni. Thank you brader. You just made something remarkable to someone. :')
I used to run away for miles, run like there's no other exit but it just complicates my journey.

There are times when you have to accept things the way they are in order not to feel hurt.
Accepting means you understand and know things are not the way you wish it should be.

Because you know, pain is inevitable but suffering is optional.
And by that way, I understand too that my suffering has never been inevitable, it happens by choice,my choice to be precise.

So now, I've decided to let my heart open and accept everything. Be kind,be nice and do not go against anything that is fated for me. It hurts more.

I never know on your side what actually happened, I just hope you are doing good though. :')

P/s : Rasa mcm blog ni my mistress. Bila bosan, sedih baru cari dia. heheeh. Sorry though. Nanti dah stabil baru cari awok bebetul eh. Sayang awak sampai bila bila. :D

Related Posts Plugin for WordPress, Blogger...