Berhenti Berharap

Berjalan-jalan melihat blog orang lain. Tiba-tiba teringat sesuatu. Update blog pun bagus jugak. Hee..

Terbaru mendapat nasihat daripada "kaunselor" peribadi.

'Jangan elakkan diri'.
'Until when you wanna run from your heart's call?'
'Buat macam biasa je. Jangan lari. Nanti nampak obvious sangat'.
'Kuatkan semangat. Jangan fikir sangat'.

Yeah. After give a thought about this matter thoroughly, I seriously think I should take their advices. Instead of running away, I should face my own problem. 'Dont avoid from your problem. It will only shows your weakness. But face it because it shows your strength.' Thanks,mum. I owed you for those priceless words. For this particular moment, I'm still hunting for the strength but I promise to myself things are not going to be the same after this. But I will always regard him as one of my awesome friends. Forever and always.

They keep saying what am I currently doing isn't the best step. But perhaps for the beginning it is. Its okay. Step by step is better than nothing at all,right? I can do it. As my super fantastic counsellor said "All these things are just a part of growing process. It teaches us to be matured". Yup. Strongly agree with him.

I felt the dumbness as I am writing this post. How can I waste one whole day yesterday just crying over unnecessary thing? He didn't get affected at all while I suffered alone. Isn't that the stupidest thing I could ever do in this world? Haha.. Nevermind. Yesterday is just a past and I shouldn't step back. Please save me from myself. Looking forward for this new spirit. Thanks to them who make me this way.

Words never lie.
I believe that.
Truth is always painful.
I realize that.
Thank you for waking up this fragile soul.

Remain Silent

Just received a phone call. And thank you for your advices. Really appreciate it. The best part is he said that "Kau ni angau la". I was like 'huh? Is that what we labelled as "angau"?'. Haha.. Tak tahu pun.

My mission for this whole week ; build the strength in me. Try to forget him. Don't ever think to contact him. That's the best for now. Thank you friends for your concern.

When The Heart Speaks..

Lately,I keep receiving news regarding heart and feelings. Well,it's kinda suprising to get to know something when you are less expecting it. Haha..mumbling again. It's like the theme for current situation is "LOVE IS IN THE AIR".
I discovered a lot of news as each day passed by. And all those things make me wanna smile like I'm having the non-stop-smiling disease.

Falling for someone isn't what we called a crime. And I tend to have a crush on someone instead of falling for him. It hurts to see when the person we love never know that these smiles are all fake and he never knew the disaster behind them. And it is hurting me inside when I need to learn the fastest way to be a professional hypocrite in front of him. Yeah,in front of him. And lately,the song "The Reason" is my best partner. It's because he's the reason.


And to be honest,I've started to have this feeling towards him since last year but I'm trying my hardest to deny it before it gets critical. Malas nak fikir banyak and malas nak bersoal jawab dengan perasaan sendiri. One word. He has something that I can't see in another people. Unique. But I always remind myself,don't put any hopes. Jangan sesekali melukut tepi gantang. Melukut tepi gantang tak pernah berbaloi,Izzatul Nazihah.

Sekarang ni,I'm taking the steps away from him. I mean "away" from him. I must prepare myself mentally before things get hard. Drifting away from him is obviously giving me the pain that I need to endure. Each time I try to distance myself from him,the heart is dying inside as I just can't find my breathes. Believe it or not,I never have this kind of feeling before this. Berperang dengan hati dan perasaan sendiri sangat menyeksakan. Trust me. It's killing me silently to act like nothing's happened with him. But whatever happens,he never know. And he will never know.

Again,I must and I need to remind myself-

He's just a guy,a special one,maybe but he's not mine. Dear heart,please whisper to him
"Thank you dear for those beautiful moments."

Jeritan Batinku

Banyak yang jadi dalam masa dua minggu ni. First,pendaftaran Form 4. Sangat meletihkan tidak terkata. Mata dah rasa macam nak tutup je masa uruskan borang-borang pendaftaran tu.

Then,masa larian sabda 6 Feb hari tu. Sumpah kecewa. Tak pernah kecewa macam tu. Prestasi menrun. Seriously,satu hari tu rasa macam mood dah terbang melayang pergi mana entah. Mula-mula rasa macam boleh paksa diri lagi bila kena turun tengok anak-anak buah yang Ting.4 prepare untuk persembahan Malam Satu Malaysia mereka. Kesian pulak mereka diabaikan.

So paksa kaki turun bawah tengok preparation mereka. Janji dengan Akif pukul 2.30,tapi tertidur so terlajak lah. Dalam 3.30 baru jejak dewan. Lepas tu tolong yang mana patut. Tiba-tiba Akif cakap dia tak ada mood. Aku apa lagi. Memang terus otak jammed macam dah tak ada mood nak buat apa. Ikutkan hati nak tinggalkan semua macam tu je.

Malam tu,kecewa lagi sekali. Yang paling tak bestnya,kena pakai baju prep pergi tengok persembahan tu. Macam seng! Memang nak terjerit-jerit buat cheer dengan baju kurung. Kesian anak-anak buah. Dah berusaha separuh nyawa tapi tak ada rezeki. Yang lagi sedihnya bila ada antara mereka yang tanya "Kak,macam mana nak naikkan prestasi kita?". Adui...,,rasa macam ditimpa batu yang berat seberat-beratnya. Tak tahu nak kata apa. Sedih yang tak dapat nak cakap.

And that night,finally I gave up with my feeling. Tak tertanggung satu rasa yang menyesakkan otak ni. I cried alone while the other dormmates were enjoying their pleasure slumber. Lama jugak melayan perasaan. Tak tahu I could get affected sampai macam ni. Sedar sedar dah subuh. Left yesterday for today.

First of 2010

The first entry of 2010. A month in hostel, I just couldn't believe my eyes that a month has started to step away from me. With all the packed schedule. Dramas and tears. Say hello to February.

Yeah,for the first time since I entered SABDA, I shed my tears because some of the people whom I considered as my close friends. I just can't accept the fact that the people I trust most would even think to hurt me. It's killing me inside when I had to put a smile in front of them when in my heart I cried and screamed like a baby. Not trying to be a professional hypocrite, but that's life. Forgive and forget. A cliche advices. To forgive is easy but to forget it takes time. Forgetting the most hurtful moments in your life,is like healing your own wounds without any medicine or treatment that can cure you. And to be honest,it never heals.


A month is a long journey. After Form 1's registration,I received new members of my house. Anak-anak buah baru. I still can't remember the boys but as for the girls,I've started to memorize their names and faces. Congrats to me! Hehe... Kind of busy this month. Can't think much. On the first day of school we were given homework. I laughed to myself. For about 11 years going through school's life,thawas the first time I completed my homework on the first day of school. It was superbly incredible. Hari ini dalam sejarah. Haha..


Next Tuesday,registration for the Form 4's. My pleasure to meet them. I will be the assistant for En.Moharni and En.Shafwan,handling the counter of 4 Al-Farghani. Going to meet next generation of Al-Farghani. Till then,homeworks waiting.