Self-discovery.

2014 is currently approaching its end. And obviously it has been a great year for me.

Well, truth be told, because I faced many phases of self-discovery on this year.
Started off with a broken heart that was broken until the very last pieces that possible, I was totally lost and unable to manage my emotion , which in a very deep regret I'd say,  effects my actions.

I let people looked down on me. I let people judge how broken I was. I let people take advantage on my weakness. And most importantly, I let myself become an open book. *sigh*

After a while, I started to come to my senses. I shifted into the "screw everything, I'm gonna make myself useful and better" mode.

I began to say to myself, "Why not try this? I ain't lose anything" to almost everything.

Thats how I began to meet different people, encounter different life, mingle with my unusual society, involved with things that I'd most probably say no if I were not to be that broken. I find myself was eager to find as many as possible activities to occupy the mind from being too distracted.

And that's how I created my life this year, honestly, I feel better now. A lot better than I was a year ago.

That was also how I became

a 4x400 athlete
a rugby player
an active volunteer facilitator
a sports addict
a weight conscious
a runner up for public speaking competition
a part of the forum bahasa melayu team peringkat kebangsaan


I was trying to start over the whole thing, in the effort of creating the better version of myself. I've tried to fix all the things that I can, and adapt to those that I can't , because somehow that's called living. Changes can be a real struggle, I'd say. We fall, we break, we get up and move on. No one is broken for good unless they let themselves to be. So, I surrounded myself with good people, in fact people that is out of my ordinary. I learned to see things differently, from different point of view, and create my own perspective, in a better way, of course. I no longer pay more attention to those who treated me like a trash, but instead I treated them the way they treat me. A win-win situation I guess. I was also coated with the true answer I've been searching all this while from the only person I've ever asked the particular question. It was heartbreaking at first, but then I managed.
That is where the adapting part occurs.

And most importantly, I want people to remember me with good memories.


So 2014, my second year of degree, it was a hectic one year full with everything. Self-discovery phase that comes in many stages.

Alhamdulillah, I couldn't thank Allah more for all His blessings. I am a better person now,physically,mentally,emotionally and virtually and will continuously to be better from day to day.


All in all, goodbye to 2014 in a few days.
Thanks for all the good memories. I'm glad I did make the best out of everything.

p/s : Currently in the nervous mood of waiting the result. InshaAllah kita dapat apa yang kita usahakan. Keep calm and have faith. 

The 2014 Hari Raya.

Assalamualaikum and a very good day everyone.

Wow, ages huh since I've last updated anything in this blog of mine? Maybe due to the busy schedule but apart from that,yeah, I shall admit, I am just too lazy and enjoy my leisure moment of doing nothing even if I have some free time. HEHEHEHEHEHE.

So well. Before that, how are you guys doing?
Me? From the bottom of my purest heart, I am feeling very good and happy with my current life now. Yes, I am that happy with my life now which the only thing could make me worry is my mother's health and my studies. Both are my priorities for now.
I am way past the mourning and torturing phase of myself. Alhamdulillah alhamdulillah alhamdulillah.
Don't get me wrong. It has nothing to do whether I've already found the love of my life or not. (Still single and still looking for the right one though. HEHEHEHE.) It is about how well I am able to manage my life now, be it emotionally and physically. Tepuk tangan sket..

So, this year's Hari Raya is a bit different from all previous ones. First,because this year we are celebrating Hari Raya with my mother just got discharged from a long treatment in the hospital due to her disease, "Aplastic anaemia". So, we were less prepared for anything regarding raya. Baju raya pun recycle last year je. Lapik meja langsir raya carpet raya semua recycle mana ada. Mak is just starting to get better from her last condition which appeared to be very heart-wrenching to me. So, this year, having Mak together with us to celebrate raya,to be able to salam salam bermaaf maafan is more than enough even though the follow-up treatment is still needed. Walaupun semangat raya mak macam hambar sikit, takpe. Kitorang ada untuk menaikkan semangat mak. :')

This year raya also I didn't really receive many raya wishes from friends. Well, maybe as time passed by, people drift apart from each other,perhaps? And to be honest, there are some people who I've been waiting for their raya wishes but only some meet the wait. Tiba2 banyak orang2 yang tak disangka pulak wish selamat hari raya ikut text message. Raya wishes through text messages are very very much appreciated. Because the way I see it, those people who took the effort of texting you and spending their credit just to wish you selamat hari raya despite of all the free apps we have nowadays(whatsapp,wechat etc etc) are those people who understand the value of sincerity in their wish. Wow, I sound so sentimental. Kahkahkah! But yeah, I am speaking the truth.

For now, I dont even know where does this spirit of mine came from, but this time around, I won't. I won't tolerate with anyone(well,this applies only to some) who doesn't even took the effort of remembering me eventhough we are close. Which means here, I won't initiate any conversation or initiate the raya wish. I will be just waiting. Kalau tiada wish dari kamu,maka tiada jugalah wish dari saya. Simple. You know where to look for me in case I suddenly popped up on your mind. I'm fed up of leaving up space for people who don't even remember me. I just had enough with dramas in my life and I dont want any of it anymore. Am not expecting anything and am not attaching myself to anything or anyone. And somehow, I am feeling good with this new style and adapting with it very well. Still alive and awesome. The way of appreciating yourself better I guess. hehehehehe

Will be going back to kelantan this saturday. Tak syok betul. Baru nak masuk mood raya dengan kawan kawan kat selangor semua baru nak buat openhouse dah kena start assignment. So it looks like I will miss the part of having reunion with schoolmates and old friends since semua orang pun kat kampung lagi and by the time I'll be going back to kelantan baru semua orang balik rumah nak jalan jumpa kawan kawan pulak. Herm.. takpelah. Redho. Nok buek cemanoo

Till then. Doakan aku baik baik sahaja di sini seperti sekarang ini, malah lebih baik untuk masa akan datang. Doakan Tuhan permudahkan urusan dan niat aku untuk jadi muslimah yang lebih baik walaupun tidak sedrastik mana perubahan aku tapi doakan biar kayuhan aku ni perlahan lahan tapi istiqomah dan semakin baik. Itu saja. Aku nak jadi anak yang menyenangkan mak ayah di akhirat.

Oh, and by the way, aku akan dapat anak buah kedua dalam bulan Mac tahun depan. Good news huh?  Tak sabar! Makin senteng la rambut aku nak jaga budak budak kecik ni bila cuti nanti. HEHEHE


Doakan aku berjaya menamatkan pengajian dengan ijazah kelas pertama juga ye. Alhamdulillah setakat ni pointer pun baik baik sahaja. Masih dalam target. 3.75. Dan kalau boleh aku nak naikkan lagi, taknak turun. HEEEEE. Aminn..


Jaga diri,jaga iman,jaga hati.
Ingat Allah ada di mana mana. :)

Que Sera Sera

"Its easier to run but its more painful.

Face the pain, live with it, bounce back and move on"

Sangat terkesan dengan ayat ni. Thank you brader. You just made something remarkable to someone. :')
I used to run away for miles, run like there's no other exit but it just complicates my journey.

There are times when you have to accept things the way they are in order not to feel hurt.
Accepting means you understand and know things are not the way you wish it should be.

Because you know, pain is inevitable but suffering is optional.
And by that way, I understand too that my suffering has never been inevitable, it happens by choice,my choice to be precise.

So now, I've decided to let my heart open and accept everything. Be kind,be nice and do not go against anything that is fated for me. It hurts more.

I never know on your side what actually happened, I just hope you are doing good though. :')

P/s : Rasa mcm blog ni my mistress. Bila bosan, sedih baru cari dia. heheeh. Sorry though. Nanti dah stabil baru cari awok bebetul eh. Sayang awak sampai bila bila. :D

Long Old Talk

I've been  restraining myself from thinking or talking about you ever since like that day.
"Benda dah lama. Takkan tak habis lagi? Sampai bila nak ingat balik benda lama?" they said. I know and well aware of the fact. But to me, its like everything just happened yesterday.
Im trying to let the chips fall where they may or letting things going according to its own flow.

But everyday I encounter many incidences that remind me of us.
I keep myself busy with things to do. I join everything. I get involve with almost everything within my range. Not because I wanted to be busy. Not because I enjoy being tired. Its the underlying meaning you will never understand.

Because I'm trying to let go of what I can't change.

I abandon people who hurt me, I abandon things that can make me weak.

Encountering you in my daily life aint easy. But I should never get weakened by this.

So here I am now.

I kneel down every day, praying and wishing. Really wish.


I've lost hope. Not on myself. But on us. You have abandoned this station since ages,man. And I should get going by now.

So my only hope now,one day, I will be able to look at you,smile and feel nothing.

I hope. I really do,Ya Allah.

Gua nak bawak diri

Jadinya apa yang kau patut buat bila kau rasa marah yang tak lepas?

Simpan? Nyahahaha. Of course. Simpan. Memang boleh.
Tapi untuk orang macam aku, simpan tu boleh. Aku boleh simpan dengan cara diamkan diri.

But I honestly dont like that kind of silence. Rasa nak mengamuk tak lepas tapi tak boleh mengamuk.
Argh!

So ceritanya macam ni lah. You choose your happiness over me, so I should choose my happiness over you as well.

Senang cerita kan.

Dan macam ni lah gua nak kasi lu paham der, lu tak appreciate gua punya hormat kat lu, gua punya cuba nak paham situasi lu, gua beralah kot, beralah der. Gua try act cool, watlek watpeace dengan cerita cerita yang menusuk jantung lu, sedangkan lu tak tau betapa retak hati gua dengan cerita lu. Jadi gua rasa macam agak tak puas hati sikit kat situ bila lu tak buat satu effort pun nak tolong gua bila gua mintak tolong. Gua minta tolong as a friend-basis kot. Tapi lu still berat hati nak tolong. Nampak lah nilai gua di mata lu. Honestly lu antara sebab gua rasa nak pindah daripada kelantan ni. :(

Gua takleh der hidup dengan kawan yang takleh nak paham gua. At least tak paham pun,support cukup la. Tapi dua dua pun gua tak dapat dari lu der.
Gua letih der. Ingat gua suka ke hidup cenggini? Haisy. Lu nak cakap gua redundant? Ikut suka lu ah der. Tapi gua nak lu ingat satu benda, cukup cukup la cakap besar tu der. Lu cakap tak serupa bikin der. Gua macam ada rasa jengkel sikit la bila lu cakap orang lain itu ini tapi sebenarnya lu tak ada beza pun dengan orang orang yang lu cakap tu. Gua tau lu dengan gua tak banyak beza pun. Tapi sebab lu tengah masa masa puncak lu, jadi lu lupa kat gua yang kat bawah ni.

Lu cakap sedap je,sesedap rasa ewah lidah tak bertulang betul. Rasa nak cili mulut. Masa time lu,elok pulak lu melutut2 berjurai airmata cari orang. Siap dengan gua-gua sekali benci orang yang buat lu nangis sampai macam tu.


HAHAHAHAHAHAA. Takpe brader, gua paham bila kita dapat apa yang kita nak, kita memang susah nak fikir untuk bahagian orang lain.


Tapi kenapa kena lu tipu gua? Jangan hidup dalam denial der. Itu je pesan gua.

Gua kesal. Sangat kesal dengan lu,der. Tergamak lu meluahkan statement yang seolah olah lu tak pernah kenal gua sehari pun. Sob sob lah.


Takpe, untuk sementara ni, gua rasa okay je kot kalau gua nak merajuk dengan lu. Gua nak bawak diri.

Gua tak sanggup tengok muka lu der. Rasa macam kena baling tahi dengan member sendiri.

Lagi sakit woi daripada kena tinggal boypreng.


Gua kalau bab2 kawan ni gua sensitif lebih sikit. Sorry ah kalau lu tak boleh terima tapi memang kalau part part kawan makan kawan stuffs ni, gua memang rasa susah nak tolerate.

Lu orang yang lain takleh nak support gua takpelah. Gua boleh support diri sendiri.

Gua cuma nak bawak diri je sekarang ni. Serius bro.

Gua cuma nak pergi tempat baru yang gua boleh jumpa orang baru dan tak ada langsung kebarangkalian nak jumpa muka muka basi ni.

Gua naik muak. Gua nak rehatkan otak kejap. Sebab mungkin bila nampak lu gua rasa semak sikit kot otak. Sorry brader, gua bukan tak pernah try slow talk dengan lu.

Tapi, nampak macam lu pentingkan kebahagiaan lu, jadi gua pun dah decide sebulat bulatnya dah ni.

"Anything that harms me, I should abandon, even if it means deleting some people in my life"

Dalam kes ni, kalau terpaksa, dengan lu sekali gua kena delete brader.

Lu kecewakan gua di lubuk hati terdalam der.

Maf kartihe. sob sob sob  :'(