saya penat menangis.

semalam hari yang sangat memenatkan. sumpah penat semalam! bukan penat badan,penat jiwa dan otak! tak tahu kenapa air mata saya terlalu aktif kebelakangan ni. mengalir keluar dari kelopak mata macam berlumba-lumba sesama sendiri. walaupun banyak kali saya pesan pada diri sendiri jangan menangis,tapi otak ni makin degil pulak. saya tak tau nak luahkan masalah pada siapa. nak luahkan pada kawan baik,mereka tak faham perasaan saya malah ada yang masih mampu untuk bercerita kenangan manis di saat saya betul-betul lemah dan tidak punya kudrat untuk menjadi pendengar yang setia seperti selalunya. minta maaf kawan! rasa terkilan mula datang bila tak ada seorang manusia pun yang sudi menawarkan diri untuk mendengar masalah diri. mereka pun perlukan ruang untuk diri sendiri jugak kan? takkan nak suruh mereka juga bersedih hanya kerana saya tengah bersedih. tak patut betul! nak luahkan masalah pada parents? mereka tak faham jiwa saya. lagipun saya sedaya upaya mengelakkan dari menumpahkan walau setitik air mata depan mereka sebab saya tak mahu mereka risau tengok saya. lagi-lagi ayah. saya tak berani untuk mengalirkan air mata depan ayah sebab saya tak mahu ayah anggap saya lemah. saya selalu berlakon tabah,kuat semangat depan ayah. saya jarang menangis depan ayah walau macam mana teruk saya dimarahi sekalipun. sebab tu ayah tak pernah tahu betapa rapuhnya perasaan anak dia yang sorang ni. bila saya cuba menjelaskan sesuatu,ayah ingat saya bantah arahan dia. tapi tak apa. sebab tu saya selalu redha bila hidup saya ditentukan sepenuhnya oleh kuasa seorang ayah. saya jugak tahu dan sedar ayah buat semua tu sebab nak saya ada masa depan yang baik. kesian mak. selalu tersepit dengan tangisan saya dan keputusan ayah. mungkin saya menangis kerana fikiran saya yang belum cukup matang kan? biarlah. nak luahkan masalah pada adik beradik? mereka jauh di perantauan. masing-masing sibuk nak kejar cita-cita. takkan saya nak bebankan mereka dengan masalah saya yang tak seberapa ni? saya cuma ada diri sendiri. sebab tu saya penat. saya penat ingatkan diri sendiri jangan jadi terlalu lemah. saya penat menangis kerana benda yang sama. saya penat mengesat air mata sehingga saya rasa saya dah tak ada air mata lagi dah. saya menjadi semakin penat bila saya tak dapat kawal perasaan saya.


p/s : tolong inform saya macam mana nak berhenti menangis boleh?

bad day

betul cakap mak. jangan banyak sangat ketawa nanti menangis akhirnya. tapi saya selalu tak peduli cakap mak. saya ketawa banyak banyak jugak tanpa mengira masa dan ketika.

kenapa saya ketawa?
sebab saya gembira.

kenapa saya gembira?
sebab saya rasa kelakar.

kenapa saya suka kelakar?
sebab saya suka ceria.

kenapa saya suka ceria?
sebab saya tak suka sedih.


tapi sedih tetap datang menyerang saya.

saya sedih sebab saya tak bebas untuk buat apa yang saya nak.

saya sunyi sebab saya rasa macam ditinggalkan.

saya menangis sebab saya rasa semua usaha saya sia-sia.

saya kecewa sebab saya rasa saya orang yang lemah.

dan

saya paling kesal sebab saya selalu tewas dengan perasaan sendiri.

awak tak peduli?
saya pun tak peduli. =)

am i to blame?

words are the most dangerous weapon to kill a person. i mean its from my opinion. words can really kill me especially when unexpected hurting words came out from the mouth of someone whom i considered as a FRIEND. i thought the "FRIEND" would understand me better after knowing me. but today,i knew something. i learned something. thanks to you,the 'creature'. we can't please everyone unless we have whatever it takes to make people like us in every single way. it sounds cruel but yes,that is the fact. truth is always painful. from day to day,from night to night,i feel my spirits start to fade away. do not insult me for what i am writing right now. f.y.i,this is just a part of the way i express my feeling. i do look tough from the outside but in the reality i am a weak girl. fragile in handling matters regarding emotions. disappointment and sadness conquered my mind. tears fall apart without any strong reason. my soul isn't at ease and peace. i tried my best to smile and hide everything that i need to keep from my sweethearts as i refused to burden them with my problem. lately,things seems to be different. i've tried to teach myself not to be easily influenced by those crappy and rubbish unnecessary matters but nothing works. sometimes,endless regrets do occured in my mind. am i being over sensitive or it's just a normal human reaction? NANIRO,you guys are the greatest friends i would never forget as long as my heart is still beating. deep inside my heart,i feel sorry towards them because most of the time i listen to the society more than i listen to their advice.

sayonara~

a farewell event was held this morning. it's the last day for our pengetua since she will be transferred to a new school,smk pulau indah. all the prefects,PRS,librarians, and unit uniform were standing in a straight line. nasyid performance really nice but the previous nasyid singers sound better(i think!). and the end. well,some rumours said the new pengetua will be worse than pn.hjh rahmah. lets just wait and see next week how things gonna be. it is unfair to judge things from outside,isn't it?

bahas & pantun

agak kepenatan hari ini walaupun SABTU. ya,hari ni hari sekolah. hari yang bermula dengan satu tragedi. haha! gila bunyinya! sebelum tidur malam tadi,jam loceng di handphone sudah dibunyikan. memandangkan jam loceng yang sebenar telah ditukar hakmilik kepada 'mak punya' jadi pilihan yang ada cuma bergantung pada jam loceng handphone. sekitar pukul 1 a.m baru lah mata terpejam setelah 30 minit bertukar arah baring. sekejap pusing kiri,sekejap pusing kanan. entah apa lah benda yang difikirkan. masa nak cuba pejam mata lah tiba tiba teringat wajah-wajah insan yang tak sepatutnya diingati pada waktu-waktu sebegitu. entah kenapa saat-saat itulah terasa macam nak melihat wajah mereka depan mata. kalau boleh,nak berbual dengan mereka. agagagaga! memang bila menjelang malam je,otak menjadi semakin senget. tak apalah. mungkin itu salah satu cara nak menghilangkan tekanan di minda kot? kemudian,mata terus terlelap tanpa sedar. lena betul tidur sampai lah terdengar bunyi 'beep' yang kuat beberapa kali. terdetik juga dalam hati "alamak,pagi-pagi dah memekak benda ni!" . haha. gila betul salah kan benda tak ada nyawa! tangan cepat je mencapai handphone yang bising dari tadi sebab tak suka tidur diganggu. padahal sendiri yang bunyikan jam. kemudian pejam mata balik dengan niat nak pejam mata untuk seminit je. konon nak bagi otak seimbang dulu la kan. ala,baru pukul 5.45 pagi. sedap je baring-baring ditambah pulak dengan kedinginan dalam bilik yang suhunya kurang daripada 20 degree celcius. =P celik mata lagi sekali je,terus tengok jam kat dinding. what the.......?????????? ya Allah! mati aku! macam mana boleh terlajak tidur ni? jam dah menunjukkan pukul 6.50 pagi. terus panik waktu tu. perkara pertama yang terlintas dalam otak yang tak cukup oksigen saat itu adalah "ponteng je lah. nak bersiap pergi sekolah pun dah tak sempat rasanya." yelah,dah lah tumpang kereta jiran,takkan nak suruh tunggu kita yang lembap nak siap-siap ni? jadi,keputusan muktamad adalah menelefon ojie tersayang untuk memaklumkan bahawasanya diri ini tak jadi pergi sekolah. otak mula ligat fikir nak bagi alasan ke atau nak jujur. kemudian,terdengar suara mak ojie yang mengangkat telefon.

"Hello,fauziah ada?"
"Fauziah tengah mandi lah"
"Erm..tak apa lah. terima kasih ye"

Hati berbunga riang tatkala itu. haha. yes! ada harapan nak pergi sekolah. tak sangka jiran sebelah rumah pun mengalami kes yang sama pada waktu yang sama. kami memang berjiran yang ada chemistry yang sangat kuat! kui kui kui. sampai je sekolah pagi tu,belum sempat turun dari kereta,loceng sekolah dah berbunyi. mula-mula macam takut tapi bila fikir balik " relaks la. hari ni kan sabtu. lagipun bukan tiap-tiap hari sengaja datang lambat". melangkah penuh keriangan masuk kawasan sekolah walaupun datang lambat. haha. masuk je kawasan sekolah,mata terus menangkap imej tiga orang makhluk Allah yang berdiri bersama-sama. haha,saya kenal mereka. mereka adalah jantung hati saya! hehe. terus je letak beg dan pergi jaga kelas. masuk kelas dan belajar! bm,bi belajar penuh fokus. sampai masa biology,mula main-main. belajar tapi tak serius sangat sebab cikgu banyak buat kelakar+cerita pengalamannya. habis rehat,semua sibuk menghafal ayat hafazan. niat memang nak pergi menghafaz dekat ustazah. sambil menghafal tu,sempat lagi main kejar-kejar dengan cik nadhrah dalam kelas. hehe. kemudian,romai dengan bell datang bawa kami berdua ke perpustakaan untuk hal perbahasan. yeeehhhaaaa!! dapat skip kelas. seronoknya sebab NANIRO semua ada! lepak dekat dalam library sampai balik. macam-macam benda yang kami buat tak kira penting ke tak. senior form 5 yang join perbahasan semua ada sebab nak berlatih untuk pertandingan isnin ni. so,tugas kami di situ sebenarnya adalah untuk melihat semua aspek mengenai perbahasan supaya boleh jadi pelapis tahun depan. pelapis??? perbahasan??? mampu ke?? pantun je pun dah hilang keyakinan dah . kemudian kena tolong peserta perbahasan buat pantun untuk sokong/bangkang hujah-hujah mereka. skill pantun dah lah berkarat lepas tu diminta buat pantun? aiyak! letih jugak lah nak buat pantun yang sesuai. nasib baik yus dengan ain tolong sekali menyelesaikan masalah ni. thanks tau korang! korang memang best! selesai satu bebanan,mula lah menggila.buat lawak bodoh yang tersangatlah bodoh walaupun lawak bodoh itu bukanlah dicipta oleh orang yang bodoh. yus jadi ketua,ain jadi penolong ketua. kombinasi yang baik! saya cuma jadi pengikut je. hahahahaha. loceng sekolah bunyi,terus je meluru ke kelas nak ambil beg yang ditinggalkan. semua balik rumah masing-masing dan berakhirlah kisah bersama teman.


*sangat mengantuk. ini saja yang mampu dicoretkan. bersambung kemudian.. =)

whole week

MONDAY(2.2.2009)

a new day started after one whole week holidays. as usual,the assembly. then,went into class and started our lesson. i entered the class and suddenly i heard they were talking about mrsm. so i asked hafifah,"siapa yang dapat mrsm?" she replied "khairi dapat mrsm". i was like suprised of course. immediately asked him which mrsm. mrsm kepala batas. woah. so far! i just dont get it why only boys got the chance to go to boarding school? maybe its fated that i'll finish my studies in this school. ah,just forget it! then,we learned agama with ustazah putri. never thought it would be the last class with her. yeah,i love the way she teaches us. jokes here n there. we went straight to our tempat bertugas during recess since we missed the recess time. i went upstairs and did my tugas. after recess,went back to class. bm lesson. add maths! gosh! i didnt even know what the teacher was teaching in front of the class. i was clueless. i thought it was only me but since i sit at the back i can see everybody was doing their own work without paying any attention to the teacher's lesson. i wondered "does the teacher know we didn't understand any single thing she taught us?" n then we went to Bio lab. so much fun during Bio because cikgu ahmad was so kind-hearted to let us do our own work since we're going to start our new timetable on the next day so we still have another 2 class with cikgu ahmad. at first,cikgu explained a bit about the report. unexpected,cikgu did a lot of stupid jokes when we asked some serious questions regarding Bio report. ouh,we were very very very serious at the moment. then,we talked about many things n gossips! haha. and we went back when the bell rang. ouh,ojie n aien gave their names for perbahasan. yeay! i'm happy. although i'm in pantun group, but love to see both of them also involved in this kind of activities. ain,ojie n me headed to kedai atas while bell,romai n naddy went home. we saw zafri[if i'm not mistaken] riding a small bicycle with thariq! hehe. long time no see thariq. one of primary school friend. he still the same small specky boy. not much changes.




TUESDAY(3.2.2009)

yeah,new timetable started by today. studied maths with cikgu harison. must admit she is a good teacher. so far i could understand her lesson. next,sivik with cikgu azizah. haha. i just wrote everything she said without understand those words. sorry cikgu. not trying to be rude but i could barely hear your voice. make jokes with ojie n laughed to each other. haha. after recess,agama class. we were busy talking in the class while waiting for ustazah to come. having a chocolate cake party. nadh brought delicious yummy chocolate cake. nyum nyum! then,ustazah fatimah went in. ouh yeah,i saw her passed by our class to go to 4 ST 2. totally forgot we will b having new ustazah for new timetable. pitied her. i didnt pay attention when she was teaching since i felt very sleepy so i chatted with bell. i owed u an apology ustazah. i didnt mean it. but then,something attracted me to listen to her words n focus on the topic. bm n bi class. bell,romai and me waited for ain n ojie at the canteen since nad couldnt stay back. aien n ojie got their perbahasan practice. so we were doing our maths work n maniraj joined us. we talked about everything. its been a long time since the last time i chatted with him. 2 o'clock and bell had to go back to attend her tuition class. a few minutes later,mani said goodbye to me and romai. so its only me and romai left. i asked romai a few question which i wasnt sure if i should have asked her but nevermind. its not like she will kill me. having a serious conversation with her then suddenly aien n ojie appeared in front of us while we were having our lunch. and i saw the form five students who also join the perbahasan. its almost 3 p.m so we left the school. by the way,thanks romai for your time to keep me company(did i say it correctly?or didn't i?). luckily you were there or else i don't think i could survive alone at the canteen. thanks again.



WEDNESDAY(4.2.2009)

The day started with bi class. Suddenly the assistant monitor [khairi; i refused to mention his name for many times so i will just call him as assistant monitor] had to leave the school with his parents during pn.hazlina's class so teacher asked him to give a farewell speech since everybody thought it would be his last class. i cant really remember what he said but the best part was he said ojie,me n bell bugged him. what the.........????? whatever! i cant be bothered with those irritating words. and we went to Bio lab. as usual,we sat all together conquered one whole table in the lab. studied Bio was fun. haha. its kinda weird that we learned Bio fully in bm but its ok. as long as we understand the concept,it shouldnt be a problem. history class with pn.mariani. phew! i thought its gonna be bored but it turned to be enjoyable. well,a round of applause for pn.mariani. at least its effective for me. a unique learning method. add maths class. moving to chapter 2. thank God the chapter has got nothing to do with the first chapter. but im still hoping this chapter is much much easier than the previous one. chemistry so need to go to the lab. teacher discussed about the homework given before holidays. naniro as usual cant stay in silence wherever we go. bell was moody. but it never last long. after class dismissed,we headed to canteen for our study group. add maths studies[yeah right]. bell did her rumusan while ain n ojie were busy with their perbahasan stuff. the boys were also there. after having our lunch,only then we began our add maths work. again,we laughed over so many silly things. had to admit i said a lot of silly things that make them laughed at me. something is not right with my brain i guess. about 4 o'clock we packed our things and went back.



THURSDAY(5.2.2008)

I did my duty n then i saw diyanah. she told me something that really pissed me off. my name n ain were in the buku kawalan kelas as the pelajar yang paling kerap bising. well,obviously it was that assistant monitor who kindly wrote it. i dont know why but this human being had just get on my nerves. i cant think much. headed to physics lab n i saw that face again. seriously,i cant even take a look at his annoying face. i wish i could puke on you. huh! then went to the school field for pjk period. we played soccer. haha, sounds funny+weird is it? i was the captain for the team. at first i refused when khadijah asked me to be the captain but c'mon its not a championship. its just for fun after all. so i agreed. my team vs diyanah's team. i tried my hardest not to let the opposite team to score many goals. my team did some good job at first since both teams had draw goals but then they scored another goal. so they won of course. 2-1. for final,romai's team vs diyanah's team. i sit back and relaxed,watching another game. before i take a sit,i saw khadijah was holding buku kawalan kelas. suddenly i remembered something. so i borrowed it for a while. need to see an evidence. so it was right. my name was there,clearly seen in the book. and the assistant monitor was sitting not far from the place where i stood. i closed the book at the same time i lose my tempered. cant think of anything except i need to confront him. so immediately i asked him politely at the beginning,"kenapa kau tulis nama aku dengan ain dalam buku ni?" "apa dosa yang aku dah buat dekat kau?" he kept quiet but then i attacked him question by question n finally he answered me back. he said i am irresponsible,noisy n whatsoever. hello mister,what makes you think you are good enough to say those words to me? just to let him know,i have so many unexpected words you will never expect that i want to say to you. n then,a few boys came. trying to control the situation maybe but hey,please wake up. you messed with me. i cursed a lot whether it was in front or behind him. who cares by the way? i saw him at the canteen before i left and one sentence i said to him "ouh,kau baik sangat lah?" yeah. of course i was the bad one. u are so saint,innocent is it? disgusting! ain adviced me to calm down. dont talk to him so he'll feel guilty. i dont think he felt that way but i didnt talk to him even a single word after the incident. that day i went back early since i've got no friends to stay back. ojie n ain got perbahasan practice while romai n bell got meeting to attend. so i went back with naddy,discussed about her short story. she asked for my opinion. we discussed n laughed n that's it. time to say goodbye. i walked alone to my house. on my way,i saw razi chatting with his unknown friend then suprisingly i saw farid riding his bicycle. i heard he say something to me but i wasnt sure. so ignored it. i'm not in the mood at the moment. sorry again. about 2.45 ojie n ain was standing in front of my house. i opened the gate n let ain entered. as for ojie,for sure she entered her own house. we got kawad practice that evening. so we headed back to school around 3.50.


FRIDAY(6.2.2008)

The last day of school for this week. as for me,it was an exhausted day. i said goodbye to hakeem,ideen n raimi before left the class.it was their last day. after school session ended at 12.30,i and romai had to see pn.sarimah for pantun practise. just like my wish,the practise ended at 2.00 pm. haha. not much practise. just a long conversation with cikgu since rarely meet her this year. honestly,when i'm with cikgu i felt comfortable and shared something that i won't share with anybody except my closest buddies. then,went to the canteen to buy lunch at the bilik makan guru. we met pn.hazlina there. yeah,she is completely a different person outside of the class. she saw us,smiled and said "wah,budak-budak ni. special pulak beli makanan cikgu. mixed veggies la" hehe. not special,we're just trying new dish besides the nasi ayam everyday,teacher. n i bought an unknown fish. so we asked teacher just to make sure. haha. teacher replied"God!u asked me about ikan?" teacher also didnt know and teacher asked the makcik kantin. haha. just wanna make a big deal over unnecessary things. just before stepped out from the room,teacher asked me
"you bought this for who? for urself?"
"yeah." i said.
"why didnt u just eat here then only went back?"
" its more comfortable to eat at home la teacher"
"oh yeah yeah. boleh mandi mandi dulu,rehat semua kan. nak makan pun senang,right?"

i nodded my head n smiled at teacher. yeah,teacher is a friendly person i suppose. i mean outside of class. the very short conversation changed my perception towards her. at the evening,we supposed to have kawad practise at 4 o'clock but it was raining heavily. the practise only started around 5.10. just 8 people attended for the practice. 8 pm went back to school for ceramah about palestin. i was sleepy for a moment but when some videos were shown,my eyes filled with tears. the ceramah ended at 11 pm. absolutely sleepy so as soon as i arrived home,changed clothes n the end of the day. i slept around 11.15 pm. no energy left to open my eyes anymore.