It is just too complicated to work out something without the presence of sincerity. Somehow, you will try your hardest, dig out the best in you, acting like you actually love what you are doing, just to show to the loved ones how much their smile spark the joy in your happiness. And certainly, you would give up anything to just hold the smile there, with you. You have been pushing yourself so hard. You know you are heading to a place where you do not own even a piece sense of belonging. You know you are chasing for people’s wish but not yours. And yet, you would do whatever it takes, almost everything that could make sense, to simply know at least there is something remarkable good deeds you ever do. At least,dear. At least.
Taking steps to proceed the journey till the end of the road, without having a second thought at the first place, is just as hard as it could possibly be. Nothing can be fixed unless letting another fat tear trickles down my face,crying my heart out silently. And it goes on like that, until it became a routine. Well, supposedly you should count your blessings,girl. For having the only opportunity to see your next day. And yes,undoubtedly, I am.
Humans are humans. We can never satisfy ourselves and I am reflecting on my own. As time goes by,as you are watching how people move on with their life, drifting away to grab their wishing stars, travel along the road that they had chosen, you keep on wondering alone. Imagine; you are supposed to be like them by now. Entering a new life by now. Leave everything behind and focus on the current mission; to correct the failure. Because that’s exactly what you ever really want to do in your life no matter how hard you try to avoid from thinking about it. And even more horrendous thought grips me. Holding the power to choose but you are just not allowed to. How bad could it be?
You swallow all your words. You put yourself in the second rank of your own priorities. You said what they want to hear. You smiled to what they like. You tell people how good your current condition are. Because you are sticking to “they know better than you do”. And guess what? None of them asked back. Why? Simple. They bought those.
“Once your life is blessed, insyaAllah, Allah permudahkan segala perjalanan hidup kau.”
Credit to Haziq Ishak. Sometimes, you are really inspiring,friend!
p/s : Praying Kelantan would show me any seeds of sincerity. I am seriously looking forward to it. How hard it is to just be sincere? Perhaps Kelantan is far enough for it.